More Tears Anyone?

Seriously tired of crying - in my dreams, when I'm meditating, when I have down time/alone time.......crying in general! I never know what will set me off, either. Sometimes it is beautiful things, sometimes sad things, other times it's memories, and then sometimes I have no idea why I'm crying. If I'm busy, I'm good to go. Stay occupied = no crying. Got it. But the minute I'm alone and unoccupied then my heart grows heavy and I get all sappy and weak-like and usually end up crying either a little or a lot. UGH! Then, lucky me, I get to cry in my dreams!!!!!!!!!!

No, it's not an all-the-time thing, thankfully, but it happens enough still that it is bothersome. I'm getting a bit grumpy/angry about it now.

Dreams

When I woke at 6:15am I had no memory of my dreams and fell back to sleep. When I woke again I was in tears, full-on sobbing, but suddenly had an entire night's worth of dream recall.

School dream with burning car - Dreamed I was in school (life lessons) trying to make up missed science assignments. Ended up leaving the school with a male friend. We went to an old garage (period of inactivity/idleness in life). Inside was a car (life path). The passenger and driver's seat were one large seat and there was a small fire (feeling burnt out) in the center. I found a fire extinguisher and put out the fire but it returned and the extinguisher wouldn't work. So I got another and put out the fire again.

Construction dream - Dreamed I was traveling alone in the dark on a paved road. I was trying to get home. Suddenly a very large crowd of people was behind me running toward me. When I saw them I started running, too.There were hundreds and they were yelling at me, "You found it! Thank you!" I was confused as to why they were so happy because in front of me the highway abruptly ended. I could see a construction zone  (rebuilding life, renewal) with a backhoe and piles of dirt. Beyond the dirt was water. I could not see past the water to see how far it went because it was dark but I kept going, planning to walk as far as I could.

Painting dream - In this dream I was walking down a road. I stopped by several women who were cleaning up after children. We started talking and I ended up in a house with them. Inside the house the woman had a painting (need for creativity in life) that looked kind of modern-Picasso-like. She showed me how to use hydrogen peroxide to alter the painting.

Crying dream - I was at a pool (need to acknowledge and understand my feelings) next to a ranch style house in the country. There was a large field (abundance, freedom, happiness) and behind that a forest (transition). I saw a cabin (independence) at edge of the woods that was deteriorating (loss of independence). Then I see the cabin moved to the left side of the trees near a large tree. Then the cabin disappeared and the tree died (instability, loss of dreams, failure).

I am in conversation with dark haired girl approx 13yrs old. She lived with grandparents (wisdom) who adopted (looking for what is missing in life) her. I tell her that children who live with their grandparents prefer it to their own parents. I was trying to console her.

Watching the forest I see movement. I remark that there is a lot of wildlife making a ruckus in the forest. A woman is laying on a lawn chair by pool. The wildlife turns into three bears (independence, resurrection) - father and two sons. They come up and play around with woman in the chair. One hits her hand and runs away. She ignores them and has no fear. The father bear comes around and tells the kids to stop and be careful. He is standing like a human and has human-like facial features. I see it and think the whole thing is odd.

I look back to the house and think, "This is the last time I will be here." I am thinking my time is running out and soon I will have to leave and will never return. I become sad. I sit down by the pool's edge and pull a towel (need to handle emotion) toward me. I think, "Everyone will see" as I begin to cry in heaving sobs. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I am crying again. The young girl notices and says, "She's crying." I feel a huge lump in my stomach and chest rise up into my throat as I cry. The tears cross over into the physical and I feel wetness on my face. It wakes me up and I continue to cry for some time but don't really know why other than that I feel sad again.

Considerations

The sadness I woke with was just a general sadness. I had no specific thoughts going through my mind to indicate what I was sad about. In the dream I felt like I was about to leave the place I was at and so the sadness stemmed from leaving it behind and never returning. In contemplating the feeling it seems I was wanting a specific moment to never end and knowing that it would caused me upset. I have since thought maybe the dream represents leaving this life, or maybe it represents leaving a secure, happy place and facing the world alone? The old place is obviously deteriorating and time is running out.

I think back to the advice I was giving the child. She had been left with her grandparents and was upset so I was reassuring her that it would be better in the long-run. It is likely I am the girl but I can't make heads or tails of the whole conversation. Am I trying to urge myself to look for what is missing in my life?

I am reminded of a strange message in song that I keep receiving from my guidance. Two mornings in a row I have awakened with a line from a song that I don't really like or listen to. The line is: I know I can treat you better than he can.... 

The line repeats over, and over, and over to the point of irritation. I cannot figure out why my guidance would put this in my head. Of course my first thought is that they are trying to get me to look at my marriage and are suggesting that I deserve to be treated better. Maybe so but I should treat my husband better, too. It goes both ways. I am not innocent and feel what I get is what I deserve most times if not all of them.

Ugh. Unworthiness.

When I was growing up it was always me doing things to my siblings to cause upset. My mom and sisters pointed this out to me, too. They made sure I knew I was not "normal", something was wrong with me, I was not "good", and that I needed to fix myself because I was the problem.

It's crazy how much I still believe this. All of it. And in all my relationships this cycle has played out, including the current one. All it takes to put me in my place is for my husband to remind me of the things I've done to him. Make me guilty and I step down and give in.

Yesterday, I had a vision of myself sitting cross-legged within a giant triangle. The triangle was then shown as a stone pyramid. It was so vivid that it brought me out of my reverie right away. I searched Google for images and came across one on the codependency triangle. I paused, read it briefly and moved on. I know that it applies to me but that is not why I was shown myself within a triangle. My vision was related to the Kundalini. Regardless, as I was writing just now that codependency triangle popped into my head.

Even as I realize the song message and all it implies I don't want to look deeper. I just want it all to go away, to not think about any of it or the "what if's" here. Denial in a nutshell.

Just an example of some of the thoughts popping into my head right now: Even if I do find something better, I will just ruin it. I'm never going to be happy anyway.