Exhaustion

 

Exhaustion: "This is the portrait of one whose whole life energy has been depleted in his efforts to keep fueling the enormous and ridiculous machine of self-importance and productivity. He has been so busy "keeping it all together" and "making sure everything runs smoothly", that he has forgotten to really rest. No doubt he can't allow himself to be playful. To abandon his duty for a trip to the beach could mean the whole structure might come tumbling down. The message of this card is not just about being a workaholic, though. It is about all the ways in which we set up safe but unnatural routines for ourselves and, by doing so, keep the chaotic and spontaneous away from our doors. Life isn't a business to be managed, it's a mystery to be lived. It's time to tear up the time-card, break out of the factory, and take a little trip into the uncharted. Your work can flow more smoothly from a relaxed state of mind". ~ OSHO Zen Tarot

 I pulled this card the other day. I don't usually pull tarot cards. In fact, Osho Zen Tarot is the only tarot deck I own and I only use it when drawn to use it. I actually pulled the "Sharing" card first but it felt wrong for some reason, so I pulled another and it was this one. It made me laugh out loud when I read the description.

For weeks I have been on the hamster wheel-of-life, running frantically and getting absolutely nowhere. My routines, which I enjoy almost too much, have become like a trap, pulling me away from social events and secluding me in my comfort zone. As a Leo, I love my home and love to be surrounded by things that make me feel good about myself. As a regal lion, my home is my palace and my children and family are my loyal subjects. Very ego driven and full of BS (bull-cocky lol). When it comes to spontaneity and having fun, my gas tank is at the red line and I am running on fumes. Not a pretty picture and it is all my fault.

For some reason I am drawn to astrology when wondering about how I cling to and enjoy routine in my life. Leo is a fixed sign. According to About.com, fixed signs "fix things in place, and are able to engage in sustained activity over a long period". They are not good at being flexible and have difficulty handling change. However, the positive to being a fixed sign is they get things done and persist, and are often admired by others for their accomplishments. My rising sign, Aquarius, is also a fixed sign, so I am double fixed. At this point in my life I am not sure if that is helpful or not. However, I have this part of me that rebels (My Sagittarius moon perhaps?) against routine and purposefully seeks to throw in random things to make life more interesting. What happened to that part of me? Now the closest I get to being "random" is changing my exercise routine up or going shopping when I hadn't planned on it.

I wonder how I can draw out my inner rebel, the Sagittarius that is social, spontaneous and truth-seeking?

My husband, a Gemini with a Leo moon (can't remember his rising sign right now) is said to be my "perfect match". A friend of mine did our chart and told me that our getting together was very rare and unique. I have the chart somewhere, but I get lost when astrologers draw out charts and start talking about houses and planets and stuff. I think both of us need to draw out our moon signs right now. It would definitely help us to expand our relationship and bring back some of that spontaneity we both so desire and need. Lately my husband has been spontaneous, going out with the kids on long trips, and I stay home, in my palace, in my safe zone, completely, utterly miserable in my routine.

Ahhhhh! I am exhausted just reading this. I need some ideas on how to change up my life....but not too much because it could overwhelm this doubly fixed astrological sign and I don't want to end up in a panic attack over here. And I also hear Steven saying, "Be careful what you ask for". Great. LOL