Distractions
 |
| Solar Eclipse 2017 photo by Dayna Stone |
Anyway, the pic for this blog is an image I took of the eclipse through cloud cover. I also got shots through the pinhole projector but they are just not as impressive.
Other Happenings - Messages and Dreams
Spiritually, I've been having more vivid and memorable dreams since I last wrote. I am able to recall details from an entire night of dreams now despite sleeping very deeply with few interruptions. The morning of the eclipse I woke up hearing, "Remember the 9th" very clearly from my left. I was not in the in-between and it made no sense. Someone suggested it could be the 9th chakra, another Beethoven's 9th symphony (lol). My consideration was that it corresponds to a date, but other than that I am clueless. I suspect I just accidentally picked up on an astral conversation not at all related to me.
Yesterday woke up in tears after singing The Old Rugged Cross in a dream. I sang part of the verse along with a King during his coronation but at the same time was discussing the steps one takes in preparation for a marriage ceremony. The part that made me cry was, "I will cling to the old rugged cross and exchange it some day for a crown." The feeling I had upon waking was one of relief, the relief one would have at knowing all the struggles and pain of life were coming to an end and would be rewarded with salvation and peace. Then, I ended up crying mid-afternoon yesterday out of the blue. It is the same feeling I've had all year - the feeling that a part of me has died and is forever lost and all that remains is a shell.
Mostly I just want the feeling of sadness to stop. I was reminded that this feeling goes along with Remembering and what one Remembers one cannot go back and Forget again.
Forgetting has it's advantages. You don't remember what it is like on the Other Side - the Divine love, connection, friendship - and you don't recall the many lives and lessons you've had in your eternal existence. I am understanding that what I am most struggling with is Remembering/Knowing what I left behind to come on this life journey. Mentally I understand that it is short-lived. This is just a "road trip". It's temporary and when I came into this body I knew what I was in for. But now that I Remember some of what I left behind to be here I am plagued with the most intense homesickness ever. It is debilitating. I've never been one to miss anyone or anything. When I leave a relationship, a job, a location, a home, etc I don't look back and I don't feel a longing for what was or to get back to it. Now, though, the longing is all encompassing. I've never missed anything/anyone so much and I don't know how to cope other than to try and push it away and distract myself with living. I know that if I keep on living, fill my time, that before I know it I will be on my way Home, returning to the family I miss so dearly. But it seems like I've been away for so long and that my return is so very far in the future.
Thankfully this morning I woke up feeling good. My dreams were long and seemed to string together as one story. It began with a 6 mile bike ride (looking for balance) to a farm that was owned by a family with two daughters. They were fencing a field (protection/boundaries) and deciding how much to budget. They came up with $900. I spoke with the two girls and commented on how the one now had brown hair when it had been blonde. Then I rode my bike back home but stopped at a yard sale (learning from the past) where everything was free. I ended up selecting some things and my mom joined me. The main objects I recall choosing were a xylophone (motivation/inspiration) for my mom and a rocking chair (life of ease and relaxation) for myself that had a tag on it of $30.
Then I was with an older woman in her house discussing various things. She had just put a pool (cleansing) in her back yard, bought a brand new Prius (new life direction/path) and was starting over despite being in her 60's. She played the mandolin (peace and harmony) very well and gave a short performance. I remember wanting to learn to play it and selecting a similar instrument for myself but it was an electric version. I visited the woman's room and looked out three large windows (possibility) at the new pool. I suggested she put in double doors for direct access to the pool. I really enjoyed everything about the home she had created for herself. The last thing she mentioned was that her neighbors were conservative and highly judgmental toward her and that they had community meetings at her house.
Distractions
In contemplating why it is I stay in this life, I always come up with my children. I have a contract with each of them that I must fulfill. Each of them has a need for me and I for them, though I can't recall the specifics. I feel the connection, the drive to be here for them. It is love but it is also duty that keeps me firmly rooted in this life. I don't resent them but I do not feel the connection to them that I have recently Remembered of my Home and family. There is a connection, though, and it will be there until my job is done.
In the meanwhile I need to keep busy. Time flies when you're having fun, right? Well, I'm not quite having fun but I know how to keep busy. Currently I have shifted more into physical activity and improving my overall health. Biking, running, swimming, weight lifting, walks, etc. I get outside frequently now and have even been waking up early to take advantage of the cooler temperatures despite hating morning exercise. Despite increasing activity levels I noticed no improvement in how I have been feeling or how I looked. Instead of feeling energized I was feeling more tired and having to force myself to be active. This is not like me and so I had to look closer at what I was doing wrong.
Monday I started a new diet and exercise program that will last 21 days. My goal is to get my body fat % down so that I can get rid of unwanted belly fat from pregnancy. I have to go from 21% to around 17-18%. This program should do that for me, and quickly, if I can follow it. And I have been at 15% so I know I can do it. It just means focus and no slipping up. No cookies. lol
Prior to 2014 I use to follow similar programs to build muscle and got really, really good at it. I also enjoyed it because I was seeing results and feeling good. In trying to figure out why my physical activity and change in eating habits was not helping me, I revisited BodyBuilding.com to review where I had been in 2014. I have progress pics and all my food journals and programs on there. I was astonished when I saw my progress photos and then depressed that I had not maintained that level of health and strength. Thus, starting the program on the 21st and moving toward regaining what I lost.
The nutrition program I am on is gluten and dairy free on top of it being a clean eating plan. It requires I measure my food and track my macros. I am an old pro at this, so no big deal. However, in tracking my food I quickly discovered I have not been eating as much as I thought. In fact, yesterday, after a full day of eating I had only consumed 1250 calories. That is ridiculous! And I felt like total crap because I had not eaten enough carbs because this plan is low carb compared to what I'm use to (only 30%). I had a really, really bad headache and ended up eating a bowl of oatmeal at 8pm.
You may ask, "What's the problem? Eat less, lose weight, you're good to go." No. Eat less and end up slowing down the metabolism and gaining fat instead of losing it. You lose energy, your mood goes to pot and you feel like crap (like I did). What works (and I know) is eating more. I should be at around 1800 calories to lose body fat. Yesterday I made it to 1733 with the oatmeal. I feel loads better today.
The program is also super intense. It is tons more cardio than I am use to - running and circuit training with two rest days. The first two days have kicked my butt. Since the running comes first, I have to wake up at 6:30am to avoid the heat and running that early is like torture. Ugh! I hate it. After my workout I am starving but can't eat the normal amount of carbs. I do get to eat fruit, which helps, but my poor body doesn't know what to do with less carbs yet. By week's end my body will have adapted, but until then I will have to deal with the side-effects of lower carbs (headaches, low energy, feeling hungry despite eating). I find it hard to eat loads of protein but will get over that, too. You have to teach yourself to eat more.
If you want to follow my diet progress you can find my log on MyFitnessPal under daynasrose. It has my previous entries from 2012 and on, too. Back then I was trying to gain weight. :)
After this three weeks is up I will start another program and work toward improving my running which has suffered immensely since I stopped running consistently in 2012. I struggle to complete a 5K with an average pace of 11min/mile. In the past I was at a 9min/mile on the 5k, sometimes better than that even. Perhaps it is my older age or maybe just my lack of focus on aerobic conditioning. Weight lifting alone doesn't keep your heart/lungs in good shape. I would like to get back to running 6 miles a day without issue. I really use to enjoy it. Now it feels like torture. That shouldn't be the case.
The above will keep me busy for a bit, but it won't be enough. I have to do more as I am very efficient. My guidance is encouraging me (via dreams) to focus on things that bring me joy. Singing and music is one of those things. I may need to join a chorus or group or maybe get the ol' band back up and running, which would be a little more work. Maybe buy a mandolin (lol) or just get out my guitar and build up those callouses again. All good ideas but until I can get my motivation in check not likely to pan out. One step at a time and baby steps at that.
Comments