Wake Up!

We've had company for the past two days. My husband's friend and family is relocating from Florida to New Mexico and stopped by for a visit on their way there. I wasn't keen on them staying, but being I am pushing myself outside my comfort zone I obliged. There were 10 of us here (they have three kids) for over 24 hours. I am happy to have my space back, but the visit wasn't as bad as I thought.

Interestingly, when talking to the wife of this friend, my oracle deck came up in the discussion. When she looked at it she really liked it. She is encouraging me to finish the project and sell it as was my initial goal. I told her I would but am still not feeling overly motivated about it. I suspect I will resume work on it at some point, though.

I continue to push myself physically as well - running, biking, weight lifting, etc. Unfortunately, I've been struggling to fall asleep lately. It takes me until midnight to finally sleep and then I wake up at about 5:30-6am. Even with Benadryl sleep comes slowly and then I wake frequently except for during the 5-6hr stretch of good sleep. 

Wake Up!

Last night while watching TV I kept feeling an odd feeling. I've been feeling it quite a bit and I began to wonder if maybe it is the Kundalini. I looked up Kundalini having a personality of it's own but found nothing. Yet it seems like the Kundalini is communicating with me. Weird, I know. The feeling is like I have someone watching me but it is not a creepy feeling. I always feel someone is with me, so it is just a stronger sense of that.

At one point it felt like a message was coming through. This reality suddenly felt dream-like,  and as if all I had to do was tell myself to wake up and I would exit this place. It was such a distinct sense that I started to tell myself to wake up. Nothing happened. I wonder what would be on the other side of waking? Another reality? Would I be in a bed somewhere dreaming? 

I continue to feel the strange feeling. Sometimes I recognize it "talking" to me without words but most times I shrug it off. The message to "wake up" continues as well. It could be that I am being asked to be more aware within this experience. 

Dream: Prison Hairdo 

In this dream I was with a woman and we were sneaking about a prison area that resembled a warehouse (memories). It was decided that I would get my hair dyed and so they put the dye in. It was yellow (happiness) hair coloring which is odd because my hair is blonde already. The resulting color was almost bleach blonde or white (looking to be more lively).

Then we were being transported to another area of the prison (feeling censored in some part of my life). The prison itself was more like a cluster of houses with a fence (barriers) around it. Me and my "mother" were given a house of our own. It was one of the nicer ones and we got it by gaining the favor of the officers. When we went inside the entire house interior was blue (truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness or feeling blue) but it was really nice for a "prison cell". In fact, it had everything we needed. I remember thinking it would be okay to stay there all the time. 

When the officer let us in he took my "mother" into one of the bathrooms and shut the door. It was explained that some things had to be done to make sure our safety and comfort were assured. I knew she was likely having sex with him but no one dared speak of it. The things one needed to do to assure their family's survival were sometimes unspeakable. 

Then I was talking to the young girl (me) and I told her, "You are beautiful" and some other very nice things. I was talking as if I were her as well, mentioning the things I had to do as a child, sexual things that children normally don't do. Then I burst into tears. There was a sense that she (me) did not believe she was beautiful or valued or loved and I wanted her to know she was. 

I was crying when I woke up. I remember talking to a man while partially awake. I said to him, "It is done. I am done now." He said, "It's done." There was a sense of being "released" from one space and walking into another. This happened as I woke up and got out of bed. 

I recall a discussion with one of my guides about what was going on. This dream is part of a heavy duty clearing that has been going on for a while. It is obviously linked to some major trauma that I have experienced on the time track or it could be a collective clearing of some sort. When or how many lifetimes, I don't know, but my inner child is deeply scarred by the things men have done to her. I remember saying to my guide, "It is no wonder I struggle with trusting men!" The result of the trauma is a deep fracture of self and healing it will not be easy.

Other Knowings

I have been searching online for jobs. Just browsing them and considering what I would like to do with my free time. I feel bored during the day mostly and also want to contribute and help pay off the debt my husband keeps us in (he's a spender). I found a part-time school counselor job and researched it a bit. It is about 15 minutes away though, so I didn't apply.

Later, out of the blue, I had the urge to apply hit me. I wondered about it. It was not a strong urge, just a feeling of doing it. I didn't follow it. I mentioned it to my husband later, telling him about the job opening and asking him what he thought about it. He said, "I don't think you should apply. You are grumpier when you are working." I said, "Really?" He said, "You don't like working for the system and it shows". His answer was a surprise to me. I figured he would encourage me to work as is his norm. The thought hit me afterward that maybe he wants me to remain home so that he has more control over me. I quickly pushed the thought away, though.

Afterward, I went about my day. I thought briefly about working again and then said to myself, "I will never have to work again." The thought was not intentional, it was like it was inserted into my head so it caught my attention. I felt it out and recognized it was Truth. If I stay this path I will be well taken care of, so well that I will not have to work again. I remember being pleased but not overly so. I knew the drawback was staying in my marriage which is not always so pleasant. Yet what I have always wanted is to not have to work. I am getting exactly that! 

There was a drawback that came to mind. I recognized it by noticing my thoughts. For some reason I was recalling a past life, one in which I was well provided for by my husband. I had everything a woman could ever want - a good looking husband who had money and purpose, a child, nice things, security and stability. I didn't have to work and so I didn't and it wasn't expected of me. However, I was bored and craved attention, specifically by men. In that lifetime I had numerous affairs with other men, men who knew my husband. They lavished me with attention and gifts. The affairs gave me a thrill - the thrill of "new love" and all that came with it. When I became bored with the man, I left him and went on to another. Eventually, though, word got around to my husband who became enraged and killed us all - our son, then me, then himself. 

My thoughts about this past life came quick and with a warning - do not get caught up in the same drama as before. There is a tendency for this past life pattern to play out. I recognized that I was looking for excitement, something other than the normal day to day things that I was experiencing. In that instant I touched on how I felt in that life and I realized that to do what I did in that other life I had to have no consideration for those that I loved. In fact, to be an adulteress I would have to push out my considerations for my husband completely, believing that I could hide my treachery from him. The "game" was in getting away with it all and keeping up appearances. Even in that moment the "game" was attractive but at the same time I knew it was not a game I wanted to play. Those that would end up hurt in the end would far outweigh the temporary excitement and adventure. I am not that person.

I let it be and moved on. The "consultation" by my guidance/HS was near instantaneous in how it occurred. I probably spent 1-2 minutes total in the "conversation". 

In remembering all of the above, I recognize the dreams connection to it. The feeling of not being wanted, of not being noticed or appreciated or loved is the cause of the above pattern. The root of the problem lies here and only when I can do all of the above for myself will the pattern be completely dissolved. 

All along I have been looking at the wrong "why", asking my guidance, "Why me? Why am I experiencing the Kundalini? I didn't ask for it!"  The Kundalini is seductive, alluring, exciting, scary and everything in between, but it isn't the problem. The intense attraction brought about by it isn't the problem either. The Kundalini is bringing to my attention the real problem, showing me the scars that need healing and asking me to heal them by repeatedly pushing upon me the very feelings that incite certain tendencies and patterns. It says, "Look. Wake up. Pay attention." And until I do what is needed, until I handle it properly, the Kundalini will continue to throw everything it has at me.