Updates and Premonitions

In case you haven't noticed, I've started posting in WP again. It just felt right and so I did it. Not sure yet how this will play out but feel I will still post here rather than leave everyone hanging.

Updates

Figured I would update you all on my diet/exercise progress. I finished the program I was on with good results. I lost 1.5lbs in 3 weeks, which considering I really don't have much to lose is a feat in itself. Starting weight was 133.3 and ending was 131.5. Goal is to get under 130lbs and get body fat percentage down to around 19%. I knew that wouldn't happen in 3 weeks, though. Additionally, I lost inches, mostly in my lower body and not a significant amount - .5 inch in my waist, 1 inch in my thighs, .5 inch in my hips. My main goal this time around was to get my waist back to my pre-baby 26 inches and I was successful. Yay!

I have yet to start another program - giving myself a break for now. I will start a new program on Monday. I've already tweaked my macro-nutrients so that I am eating substantially more carbs and am slowly adding back gluten and dairy. Not really changing my calorie intake for now because I know once I start the new program I will see dramatic results. I've completed the program before and in the first six weeks my body fat percentage reduced from 22% to 19%. Hoping for that to happen again.

I am still running, slowly increasing the number of runs and distance. I ran my first 5 mile distance since 2012 on Monday with a pace of nearly 12 min/mile - super slow for me. My other runs are short and most are intervals of running and walking. My youngest comes along in the stroller most times. I am trying to get my pace back to around a 10 min/mile. This morning I completed a 5K in record time (since I started up again anyway) cutting 30 seconds per mile off my previous run time. This week I've run a total of 16 miles when last week I was averaging 8.

Having the above goals helps me pass the time and keeps me focused on something positive. It is also helping me with continued pangs of anxiety with seemingly no cause. This morning I was pacing around the house before my run doubting I could do it because I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that is typical before a panic attack. Thankfully, once I set out on the run the panic vanished and now there is no evidence it was ever present. It seems right now more than ever I need to be outside and moving to keep myself grounded.

Family

Part of my recent nervous feeling is that my dreams and intuition are telling me to be on alert about my family. Not my husband and children, my mom, step-father, sister and BIL and that whole can of worms. My dreams are warning me of a disconnect between myself and my mother at a later date related to her disagreement with my life choices. They are also warning me of issues arising from their current living situation, specifically that my sister and her husband will likely live with my mom for many years. How many, I'm not sure, but there is a potential that they could live there permanently either in the same house or behind the house in an RV or mobile home. I can see a possible future where my nephew is full-grown and my sister and her husband are still living there.

For me, these warnings are to prepare me and are also somewhat of a test. There is much to be learned from my reaction to the possibilities mentioned above. Honestly, I surprise myself every time these "tests" are presented because, though I do still initially react with upset and resistance, my overall decision always returns to allowing all of them to play the game they are choosing. I remind myself that none of them is blind to what is going on, not really. Each of them is choosing this path. My path is decided by me - not them. I can choose to let them get to me, or I can step back and watch from a distance, wishing them the best.

One of the recent disturbing realizations I had occurred on the 8th. I had a particularly bad day and posted something on FB about what a rotten day I had. My fridge and a/c had issues on the same day. Maybe an hour after that post I suddenly felt my step-father's reaction to this. I remember saying to myself, "He is glad. What the hell?" I pushed the thought out of my mind because the day had been so bad and the next morning when things had resolved posted about their resolution. However my step-father had commented on my first post saying, "Awww, so sad." When I read the post I felt exactly the same feeling I had felt the night before confirming he was actually happy I was suffering. I almost wrote a response and called him out but I knew it open a can of worms. I also know my step-father is passive aggressive and would hide behind some excuse.

As the day continues I can't help but contemplate on this development and see the patterns both my own and his. In the past I was not unlike him. I sometimes wished bad things to happen to the people I loved. I did this because I was unhappy - miserable - and somehow it helped when others were also suffering. I recognize that my step-father is miserable right now. He just lost his brother to cancer and his brother's family is being awful to him. My little issues likely triggered him in some way. I don't blame him, I pity him.

Sadly, I see the vibration of my family getting lower and lower over time. Everyone is dependent on my mom financially, even my step-father. My mom, with her huge heart and Libra tendencies, just wants everyone to get along and desperately tries to keep the peace. My mom is scared to lose her husband and scared to be alone. She feels obligated to help my sister even though she is aware my sister is using her. My sister and BIL are conning her purposefully. My step-father is likely just stuck in a pattern. I believe he truly loves my mom.

A part of me wants to help make things right but I know that I don't want to get caught up in it all. When I think of how my sister and her husband continue their pattern of dependency and deceit I have to trust that eventually they will have to confront their patterns. And I have to trust that my mom will make the best decision for herself.

By the time I was done muddling it all over I felt relief and understanding. Attachment to family makes us feel obligated to help them no matter what and often results in entanglement and repetitive situations that seem never to resolve. But when one successfully learns to detach they are able to step back and avoid entanglement. For me it all comes down to this question, "How do I feel when I am around (insert person's name)?" If the answer is more negative than positive then more inspection is needed.

Spiritually

Spiritually I have been receiving messages and premonitions in dreams. I swear the night before last I was practicing death - like I died in the dream! Yet I don't have specific memory of the dream, just a Knowing that I was preparing. I wondered about it and then just let it go because the rest of my dreams involved me talking to Me, working on specific issues and discussing potential future paths.

Three times this week I've awakened not knowing who I am, where I am, when I am. It is disorienting and takes me a while to get back to this reality.

In one recent dream a dark haired man was singing to me from the past - the 1950's. He appeared one way when he started singing and then shifted into a black man by the time he finished. When I woke up the song he sang kept going through my mind. He had such a deep, smooth voice. This is what he sang:

"Don't you know I'm in love with you. I will be with you for a long time."

Something about this dream made me sad - heartsick is a better word. I am reminded now as I write this how the other day on a drive home from a run around the lake I felt similarly to the point of tears. I noticed that when I looked out on the world now it seems so empty and knew the empty feeling came from me.

Dream: Crazy

Here's an example of the amnesia theme that is present lately.

In this dream I was pregnant and visiting the doctor to have the baby. They required an ultrasound and bloodwork and I remember being hesitant to agreeing but didn't know why. At home I read through one of my journals and discovered the pregnancy was a shame, created by myself and my therapist to "help" me. I was in shock, surprised that I had no memory of the treatment and that I had believed I was pregnant all along, even when wearing a fake pregnant tummy. In the dream this realization really threw me and I began to doubt my sanity and thought, "I really need help. Something is really wrong with me." I was completely horrified.

When I met my therapist (seeking wisdom, assistance) who I called Chris, he was unconcerned despite my upset and insistence that I get immediate help. I found out my whole family was involved, too. They all knew the pregnancy wasn't real and played along to keep me fooled. No one seemed concerned that I had no memory of agreeing to the sham! And why would I want to pretend I was pregnant anyway? How would it help me? My therapist didn't give me any answers, just reassured me I was okay.

The most upsetting thing was that I couldn't remember who I really was, only the pretend version. How could I get back to who I was before if I couldn't remember her?

The dream really seemed like I walked into an alternate reality where I was the only one who had no clue what was going on. The amnesia was so real it followed me into wakefulness.