A Second Awakening?
Is there such a thing as a second spiritual awakening? As it was, I had not heard of spiritual awakenings until I went through my own in February 2003, or at least that is when I think it started (upon recalling many of my life events in 2002, I now am pretty certain it started much earlier).
My spiritual awakening started with a bang. I did one simple meditation and the next thing I knew I had my spirit guide talking to me and could "see" other people's pasts and futures as well as speak to those who had died. Within a month's time I was reeling from the impact it was having upon me. I thought I was crazy and could not for the life of me figure out what was happening.
The next five years of my life were spent adjusting to the changes. I went through horrible bouts of depression, sleeplessness, isolation and despair. I often wished I were dead and begged my guides to take me "Home", though I really had no idea what "Home" was, I just knew that is where my guides were and I so wanted to be with them! I felt so weird and alone. At the same time, I had this insatiable thirst for knowledge. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know everything.
Like a pendulum swings from one extreme to the other, I felt myself swinging near the edge of a darkness I cannot explain. Similar to the first vision given to me by my guide, I felt trapped between this world and the next, unable to find my way in either place and horrified by the prospect of forever being "lost". A dear friend of mine, when hearing how I described my experiences, told me that she believed I was experiencing a "dark night of the soul". A further explanation of what the dark night is can be found here: http://www.themystic.org/dark-night/
At my lowest point, I literally felt myself fading. I had an experience that scared me more than anything else had at that point in my life. I was driving back from a trip to town feeling miserable and wishing for death to come soon (I was really in a dark place). As I approached a bridge I literally felt as if someone else forcibly took the wheel of the car and steered it sharply to the right. I panicked and it was as if I could see both realities juxtaposed in time: the one where I steered the car toward the side of the bridge and the car careened over the side into the embankment and the one where I continued to drive forward despite the unforeseeable future ahead. In my mind I cried out, "No!" as I gripped the wheel and stayed on the road. My heart was pounding so fast that I could feel it in my chest and tears stung my eyes as I tried to focus on the road. This is evil, I remember thinking. I felt pursued and I was not going to fall victim to whatever it was that was pursing me!
Not long after that crazy experience, I found myself taking a walk alone late at night. I had many sleepless nights and often went out into the darkness to look up at the stars and pray. That night I was unable to sleep and stared into the sky, unable to conceive of any future for myself. At the top of a hill overlooking the city I looked out and I mentally asked Steven, "What now?" I heard Steven's voice, though very faint and seemingly far off. He said, "Keep walking. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep walking".
My life changed after that message. Although I didn't want to listen, I did. I kept walking. I did what I needed to do. I continued living, going through the motions of life, waiting for life to come back into me. And it did, ever so slowly.
That was my spiritual awakening, though a very shortened version of it. I learned so much about myself from those years of struggle. I thought them behind me. Yet here I am experiencing some of the same symptoms I did so many years ago: insomnia, lack of interest in life, isolation, an interest and fascination with the spiritual (this never really left me though), boredom, inability to see my future or conceive of it even. But I have learned to go through the motions, to keep living. Life is not just about me anymore. I have a husband and two children. I love them and despite what I feel at the moment, it will pass and I will be okay. I have learned this, but is there more? Is there such a thing as a second awakening? The site I mentioned above says the dark night of the soul can happen more than once. I shudder at the thought of it. I would rather consider that whatever path I am following, at the end will be more light than I have ever seen before. Because that pendulum, that once swung me to the depths of despair so dark I thought I wouldn't return, has to swing back the other way, doesn't it?
My spiritual awakening started with a bang. I did one simple meditation and the next thing I knew I had my spirit guide talking to me and could "see" other people's pasts and futures as well as speak to those who had died. Within a month's time I was reeling from the impact it was having upon me. I thought I was crazy and could not for the life of me figure out what was happening.
The next five years of my life were spent adjusting to the changes. I went through horrible bouts of depression, sleeplessness, isolation and despair. I often wished I were dead and begged my guides to take me "Home", though I really had no idea what "Home" was, I just knew that is where my guides were and I so wanted to be with them! I felt so weird and alone. At the same time, I had this insatiable thirst for knowledge. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know everything.
Like a pendulum swings from one extreme to the other, I felt myself swinging near the edge of a darkness I cannot explain. Similar to the first vision given to me by my guide, I felt trapped between this world and the next, unable to find my way in either place and horrified by the prospect of forever being "lost". A dear friend of mine, when hearing how I described my experiences, told me that she believed I was experiencing a "dark night of the soul". A further explanation of what the dark night is can be found here: http://www.themystic.org/dark-night/
At my lowest point, I literally felt myself fading. I had an experience that scared me more than anything else had at that point in my life. I was driving back from a trip to town feeling miserable and wishing for death to come soon (I was really in a dark place). As I approached a bridge I literally felt as if someone else forcibly took the wheel of the car and steered it sharply to the right. I panicked and it was as if I could see both realities juxtaposed in time: the one where I steered the car toward the side of the bridge and the car careened over the side into the embankment and the one where I continued to drive forward despite the unforeseeable future ahead. In my mind I cried out, "No!" as I gripped the wheel and stayed on the road. My heart was pounding so fast that I could feel it in my chest and tears stung my eyes as I tried to focus on the road. This is evil, I remember thinking. I felt pursued and I was not going to fall victim to whatever it was that was pursing me!
Not long after that crazy experience, I found myself taking a walk alone late at night. I had many sleepless nights and often went out into the darkness to look up at the stars and pray. That night I was unable to sleep and stared into the sky, unable to conceive of any future for myself. At the top of a hill overlooking the city I looked out and I mentally asked Steven, "What now?" I heard Steven's voice, though very faint and seemingly far off. He said, "Keep walking. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep walking".
My life changed after that message. Although I didn't want to listen, I did. I kept walking. I did what I needed to do. I continued living, going through the motions of life, waiting for life to come back into me. And it did, ever so slowly.
That was my spiritual awakening, though a very shortened version of it. I learned so much about myself from those years of struggle. I thought them behind me. Yet here I am experiencing some of the same symptoms I did so many years ago: insomnia, lack of interest in life, isolation, an interest and fascination with the spiritual (this never really left me though), boredom, inability to see my future or conceive of it even. But I have learned to go through the motions, to keep living. Life is not just about me anymore. I have a husband and two children. I love them and despite what I feel at the moment, it will pass and I will be okay. I have learned this, but is there more? Is there such a thing as a second awakening? The site I mentioned above says the dark night of the soul can happen more than once. I shudder at the thought of it. I would rather consider that whatever path I am following, at the end will be more light than I have ever seen before. Because that pendulum, that once swung me to the depths of despair so dark I thought I wouldn't return, has to swing back the other way, doesn't it?
Comments