A Shell of Myself
I haven't been posting much lately out of sheer laziness. From the wake of my husband's boss and best friend to my elective ultrasound and crazy pregnancy dreams, there has been plenty to write about.
Where to start?
Pregnancy
I guess I will update everyone on my pregnancy. I am fast approaching 18 weeks and my BIG anatomy ultrasound! Yay! And then, ick! I am such a worry wart that all I can think about is the what if's. What if the measurements show that something is wrong with baby? What if there isn't enough fluid around baby? What if baby's heart beat stopped? and so on and so forth.
I can't help it. I guess it comes with being a mommy and pregnant.
In my worry I chose to do an elective ultrasound last week. I wanted to make sure baby looked like a baby and didn't have some deformed features like a long tail or swollen head. I hadn't seen baby since around 8 weeks, so who knew what might have happened?
Well, baby looked like a baby. :) And we found out the gender, too! My intuition, which told me that I was having a boy, was spot on. Sure enough, there was the tiny weenie the he kept hiding from us with his tiny hands. lol
When watching our little boy move about in the womb, I noticed there wasn't much black space around him. This concerned me but the lady doing the ultrasound did not seem concerned. But I still worry so I started looking up what constitutes low fluid. So far it seems that I have nothing to worry about, but I still do. I can't wait until Wednesday to be reassured that this baby is okay!
Marriage
Lately my husband and I have been butting heads more than usual. Not only that, but since his boss/best friend passed away, he has been ill with something nasty. I think he had the flu, but not sure. Anyway, I think the stress got to him and he blew his gasket over some typical issues we have in our marriage and me, with being pregnant and often times moody and tired, I did not take it either. So we ended up in fights more than once and tense situations. I do not like it when my husband insists on having arguments in front of the kids. I can't get away from him to keep him from yelling/cussing. I tell him to stop, to not do it in front of the kids, but he just loses his mind I guess. This time was pretty bad and my son and my daughter both tried to intervene. My son broke a cup (not normal) to get our attention and my daughter just broke down in tears. Later, after he had calmed down, I explained to my husband that I would not accept this from him anymore. I watched my parents fight nasty fights for 8 years of my childhood and will not have it happen to my kids. When we talked about it he agreed that he had been wrong, but the damage was already done.
I knew this was coming, though. My dreams suggested it and I was told the morning of the biggest fight that I needed healing. I actually heard my guide say, "Reiki". My dreams were of us arguing and him leaving me or us compromising and moving. Each time I woke feeling uneasy, but did not feel up to analyzing the dream or looking for its significance. I guess I already knew somewhat.
Dreams
For some reason I have been having very vivid and memorable dreams the last week. This could be related to my marriage issues or it could just be that I am receptive to it right now or that I just need it.
Themes of these dreams seem to be movement/change, decision making, communication, commitment, healing, career, and manifestation.
I won't go over all my dreams as 1. I am not in the mood (too lazy) and 2. there are so many dreams that I vividly remember that this post would be way too long and most would tire of reading it very quickly.
I will state that last nights dreams included two very distinct and memorable messages from the same person (guide).
The guide I saw was medium height with brown hair and a mustache. He looked fairly young and was dressed casually in what appeared to be a plaid shirt. His first message to me was very vivid in my mind. It was amidst a dream that I have now forgotten. The dream paused and there, standing alone in a white space, was this man. He looked at me with kind eyes and said, "See, your job isn't that bad". I remember agreeing with him. I also recognized that it was a direct message to me in my dream and my consciousness level rose to that of near waking. I believe this was intentional so that I could remember the message. I do not, however, remember even one aspect of the dream now except a feeling of well-being and a memory of a thought I had the night before. I remembering thinking that it would be nice to return to work on Monday and then being surprised that I felt that way. It was true that my job this year has not turned out to be as horrid as last year. I am in fact enjoying my time at work again, even though it is not perfect.
The other message I got with yet another dream. Again, the man with the brown hair and mustache was standing in a white space wearing a reddish/brown colored plaid shirt. His hands were behind his back and he was smiling pleasantly. He said to me this time, "You need companionship". To this message I also agreed and also had a hint of sadness. His message, like the other one, brought me to a higher level of consciousness and ultimately I woke up. I remember feeling very groggy but calm and at ease, almost happy. When I considered his message I knew that I had been pushing away my husband and ultimately isolating myself from the one, real companion I have in my life right now. I also realized how utterly sad and alone this made me feel and that I did this because it was safe for me. To allow myself to reveal my insecurities and vulnerabilities to more than him (and even not him) was scary to me. No wonder I have so few friends and those that I do have are so far away. The distance I keep is safe.
I do recall the dream that preempted this message. In the dream I was with my best friend from high school. She and I had been very close and, like I use to do with my husband, she was pretty much the only person I allowed into my life (I mean really into my life). In the dream I was choosing her over my current husband, not as a lover but as my one close friend and confidant. I remember him being upset by this and that I was not upset but actually justified it somewhat. In the dream there was another past acquaintance that was ill and I recall thinking that I, too, was ill.
A Shell of Myself
In hindsight this dream suggests that I am recognizing the mistake in not opening myself up to more people. I thought upon the dream somewhat as I woke and got ready for work this morning. Why do I keep myself hidden from others? Why do I never really let anyone in?
Well for one, I am not being myself in most situations in my life. I hide the aspect of me that is spiritual. This is who I am and yet, no one, even my own husband and children, really know that part of me. Just typing this right now brings me to tears. I go to a job full of negativity and misery and hide who I am. I stay clear of close relationships with coworkers because to tell them who I am would likely mean rejection and betrayal. With my Mom and other, extended family, I hold back because they don't understand. With my husband there is more trust and I have shared with him many things about myself, but even he has rejected some aspects of who I am and this hurt me to the point that I no longer share it with him openly. However, I know I could and he would understand and not judge. If only I had more alone time with him to reestablish that trust. If only.
Last night as the memorial service for my husband's boss/best friend I had a message I wanted to share with the deceased man's daughters. See, this man had come to me and passed on a message a week prior. It was an intense one, one that left me emotionally overwhelmed and in tears. This proved to me that it was in fact him. He allowed me to feel his feelings for his daughters and the love and pride that came from him took my breath away. He also gave me a message. At the memorial I thought about going up to tell them in front of everyone. I almost did. But then I got scared. I would not be real to these people. Though they believes in many lives and in the ability to speak to those who have passed, I did not think they would take the message seriously. So I kept it to myself. My husband knows of it and he also discouraged me. I think, though, because it would embarrass him. What a letdown all over. In the past, I would have not hesitated to pass on the message. Now I feel ashamed to.
What has happened to me?
Where to start?
I guess I will update everyone on my pregnancy. I am fast approaching 18 weeks and my BIG anatomy ultrasound! Yay! And then, ick! I am such a worry wart that all I can think about is the what if's. What if the measurements show that something is wrong with baby? What if there isn't enough fluid around baby? What if baby's heart beat stopped? and so on and so forth.
I can't help it. I guess it comes with being a mommy and pregnant.
In my worry I chose to do an elective ultrasound last week. I wanted to make sure baby looked like a baby and didn't have some deformed features like a long tail or swollen head. I hadn't seen baby since around 8 weeks, so who knew what might have happened?
Well, baby looked like a baby. :) And we found out the gender, too! My intuition, which told me that I was having a boy, was spot on. Sure enough, there was the tiny weenie the he kept hiding from us with his tiny hands. lol
When watching our little boy move about in the womb, I noticed there wasn't much black space around him. This concerned me but the lady doing the ultrasound did not seem concerned. But I still worry so I started looking up what constitutes low fluid. So far it seems that I have nothing to worry about, but I still do. I can't wait until Wednesday to be reassured that this baby is okay!
Marriage
Lately my husband and I have been butting heads more than usual. Not only that, but since his boss/best friend passed away, he has been ill with something nasty. I think he had the flu, but not sure. Anyway, I think the stress got to him and he blew his gasket over some typical issues we have in our marriage and me, with being pregnant and often times moody and tired, I did not take it either. So we ended up in fights more than once and tense situations. I do not like it when my husband insists on having arguments in front of the kids. I can't get away from him to keep him from yelling/cussing. I tell him to stop, to not do it in front of the kids, but he just loses his mind I guess. This time was pretty bad and my son and my daughter both tried to intervene. My son broke a cup (not normal) to get our attention and my daughter just broke down in tears. Later, after he had calmed down, I explained to my husband that I would not accept this from him anymore. I watched my parents fight nasty fights for 8 years of my childhood and will not have it happen to my kids. When we talked about it he agreed that he had been wrong, but the damage was already done.
I knew this was coming, though. My dreams suggested it and I was told the morning of the biggest fight that I needed healing. I actually heard my guide say, "Reiki". My dreams were of us arguing and him leaving me or us compromising and moving. Each time I woke feeling uneasy, but did not feel up to analyzing the dream or looking for its significance. I guess I already knew somewhat.
Dreams
For some reason I have been having very vivid and memorable dreams the last week. This could be related to my marriage issues or it could just be that I am receptive to it right now or that I just need it.
Themes of these dreams seem to be movement/change, decision making, communication, commitment, healing, career, and manifestation.
I won't go over all my dreams as 1. I am not in the mood (too lazy) and 2. there are so many dreams that I vividly remember that this post would be way too long and most would tire of reading it very quickly.
I will state that last nights dreams included two very distinct and memorable messages from the same person (guide).
The guide I saw was medium height with brown hair and a mustache. He looked fairly young and was dressed casually in what appeared to be a plaid shirt. His first message to me was very vivid in my mind. It was amidst a dream that I have now forgotten. The dream paused and there, standing alone in a white space, was this man. He looked at me with kind eyes and said, "See, your job isn't that bad". I remember agreeing with him. I also recognized that it was a direct message to me in my dream and my consciousness level rose to that of near waking. I believe this was intentional so that I could remember the message. I do not, however, remember even one aspect of the dream now except a feeling of well-being and a memory of a thought I had the night before. I remembering thinking that it would be nice to return to work on Monday and then being surprised that I felt that way. It was true that my job this year has not turned out to be as horrid as last year. I am in fact enjoying my time at work again, even though it is not perfect.
The other message I got with yet another dream. Again, the man with the brown hair and mustache was standing in a white space wearing a reddish/brown colored plaid shirt. His hands were behind his back and he was smiling pleasantly. He said to me this time, "You need companionship". To this message I also agreed and also had a hint of sadness. His message, like the other one, brought me to a higher level of consciousness and ultimately I woke up. I remember feeling very groggy but calm and at ease, almost happy. When I considered his message I knew that I had been pushing away my husband and ultimately isolating myself from the one, real companion I have in my life right now. I also realized how utterly sad and alone this made me feel and that I did this because it was safe for me. To allow myself to reveal my insecurities and vulnerabilities to more than him (and even not him) was scary to me. No wonder I have so few friends and those that I do have are so far away. The distance I keep is safe.
I do recall the dream that preempted this message. In the dream I was with my best friend from high school. She and I had been very close and, like I use to do with my husband, she was pretty much the only person I allowed into my life (I mean really into my life). In the dream I was choosing her over my current husband, not as a lover but as my one close friend and confidant. I remember him being upset by this and that I was not upset but actually justified it somewhat. In the dream there was another past acquaintance that was ill and I recall thinking that I, too, was ill.
In hindsight this dream suggests that I am recognizing the mistake in not opening myself up to more people. I thought upon the dream somewhat as I woke and got ready for work this morning. Why do I keep myself hidden from others? Why do I never really let anyone in?
Well for one, I am not being myself in most situations in my life. I hide the aspect of me that is spiritual. This is who I am and yet, no one, even my own husband and children, really know that part of me. Just typing this right now brings me to tears. I go to a job full of negativity and misery and hide who I am. I stay clear of close relationships with coworkers because to tell them who I am would likely mean rejection and betrayal. With my Mom and other, extended family, I hold back because they don't understand. With my husband there is more trust and I have shared with him many things about myself, but even he has rejected some aspects of who I am and this hurt me to the point that I no longer share it with him openly. However, I know I could and he would understand and not judge. If only I had more alone time with him to reestablish that trust. If only.
Last night as the memorial service for my husband's boss/best friend I had a message I wanted to share with the deceased man's daughters. See, this man had come to me and passed on a message a week prior. It was an intense one, one that left me emotionally overwhelmed and in tears. This proved to me that it was in fact him. He allowed me to feel his feelings for his daughters and the love and pride that came from him took my breath away. He also gave me a message. At the memorial I thought about going up to tell them in front of everyone. I almost did. But then I got scared. I would not be real to these people. Though they believes in many lives and in the ability to speak to those who have passed, I did not think they would take the message seriously. So I kept it to myself. My husband knows of it and he also discouraged me. I think, though, because it would embarrass him. What a letdown all over. In the past, I would have not hesitated to pass on the message. Now I feel ashamed to.
What has happened to me?
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