You Already Know
I have come to hate and love those words. Steven said them to me for the first time just days after I met him. When I asked him questions, that was his answer. "You already know". Oh! How those words frustrated me! I did NOT know! I would yell at him (yes, I yell at my guide), "No I don't know or I wouldn't ask you!"
In the beginning I would continue asking Steven questions until I got an answer. I would not accept his usual responses - "You already know", "Why do you want to know that?", "I can't answer that" and silence. In all the confusion of hearing voices and seeing and feeling spirit, I was certain that I was special. Steven even told me I was special. He said it often. So, if I am special, then I can use my gifts and my connection with spirit to get answers for me, right? It only made sense. Oh how powerful I felt! Finally I could know what the future held and I could show everyone who ever made me feel small and insignificant that I was big, and significant.......and special.
I didn't tell anyone about what was happening to me in those first months. I felt a little crazy but I felt amazing! Excited to be experiencing something so spectacular; something no one around me had ever experienced. I felt like a super hero with amazing powers. How conceited I began to get and the more my spiritual abilities proved that I was special, the more conceited I got and the more I demanded answers for myself, answers that would eventually lead me down a path of confusion and ultimately spiritual humility.
My first question was, "Should I quite teaching and move to a new location and start a business as a psychic/medium?" No answer. Silence.
I asked it a gain.
Same response. Nothing.
By the fourth time I finally got what I wanted - yes. Happy, I set forth on a mission to do just that. I quit my job, which I loved and really enjoyed, and moved to North Texas, intent on setting up a business and becoming like top psychic/mediums Sylvia Browne and John Edward. I was going to show the world that I was special!
I had savings from my recent divorce - $20,000 and some change. I thought it would be more than enough to get my business going. I rented a house, bought new furniture and lived as if I were already a successful businesswoman. I even developed a website to help promote my new self which included a new name - Dayna.
Oh, you didn't know Dayna wasn't my real name? Well, it is my name, but it is not my legal name. From the moment I met Steven he always referred to me as Dayna. I argued with him about it for months, but he was stubborn and refused to call me anything else. Finally, one day I was watching a news cast. A female reporter who was blonde and blue eyed and about my same age was reporting. Below her picture was her name. Dayna. At that moment I knew that was my name - my spiritual name - and the name I would use in my new life.
Six months after moving and starting my business, things weren't going as I expected. Though I was slowly making progress with my business, it was much slower than I anticipated. Definitely not enough to live off of. When I questioned Steven, I still got no response, but by that time I had replaced his response with whatever I wanted to hear. Not a good idea.
A year passed and I was still not doing as good as I wanted and it seemed as if I was stagnating. My conversations with Steven had increased to the point that I was spending much of my free time talking with him. It was only later that I realized that the person I was talking to was not Steven, it was me, or rather my ego. Somewhere along the way I had confused my own voice with Steven's!
At that time I didn't know that it is not uncommon for a person with my abilities to get confused between their own voice, the voice of their guide and the voices of others in spirit. See, I am what is called a "mental medium" which just means that most of the information I get from spirit comes to me in the form of mental images and information. The best way to describe it is the info comes like I am watching a movie with sounds, color, feeling - everything. That doesn't mean that all the information I get comes in this way, but about 90-95% of it does. So when Steven first began talking to me he had to teach me how to distinguish my thoughts from his. He did this by always sending thoughts from my right side and by encouraging me to meditate. In meditation, his words are much clearer and many times his actual voice comes through rather than just his thoughts.
I had unintentionally mistaken my own thoughts for Steven's. Over all, this is not a bad thing because, as Steven has often said, he is me and I am him. Whenever I gave readings and worked with spirit the confusion never got in the way. Steven always steps back and allows other in spirit to come forward and since I am completely focused on another person, my own thoughts rarely interfere. However, the confusion started whenever I sought answers for myself.
One of the first rules I learned from others with similar abilities to my own is that you never, ever use your gift for your own gain. Aww! Had I only known that from the start, what misery I would have saved myself! Unfortunately, by the time I learned that important rule, I had long fallen into the trap and was on a downward spiral.
My sister saw it. She called me on it, too. She said, "Why don't you stop talking to Steven and rejoin the real world". Her words cut me deep. I broke down and cried right then and there. I told her that Steven was my only real friend and that she would never understand. She apologized but her words had already sunk in.
I thought about what she said over the next few weeks. I looked closely at just how often I was talking to Steven. I was shocked. I talked to him all the time. When I was alone. When I was with other people. When I was sleeping. The only time I didn't talk to Steven was when I was giving a reading. And when I found myself in a conversation with him I mentally noted how the words from Steven felt. 99% of the time they felt like me, not like Steven.
So I told Steven to step back. I told him I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. I sobbed out the words, "Please step back, Steven", and repeated it over and over as I choked on my tears. The sorrow came from knowing my world would go silent. And it did.
A year and a half after leaving my job and moving to North Texas to become a professional psychic/medium all my plans and aspirations of a new me were crumbling. The new me was drowning in my own self pity.
I decided to leave North Texas. I was going to take what little savings I had left and move back to where I came from and start over. This time I would be "normal" and all ideas of being "special" were thrown out the window.
The morning that I left, I was packing my car with all that was left of my belongings. I had sold everything I couldn't fit in my car the week before. When I closed the trunk I had a nagging feeling. "Don't go," it said. I ignored it. I had to go. I had lost. I was a failure and there was no where else for me to go. Again I felt the feeling. "Don't go". This feeling sank to the pit of my stomach and stayed there. It was the "bad news" feeling. I hate that feeling!
As I drove down I-35 toward Fort Worth the feeling stayed with me. Each exit called to me to exit. I passed them up. I heard Steven say, "Turn around". I ignored him. Besides, how did I know that was really him talking to me? I was very angry at myself for falling victim to the trap of ego and so I ignored anything that seemed to come from the Steven zone in my mind.
I passed up another exit and thought, "That was the last one." And then, suddenly, the feeling was gone, as if it had never been there. All that was left was calm.
I silently celebrated as I neared a busy part of the highway. Then I noticed there were many cars stopped and I slowed down. As I slowed I glanced up and saw in my rear view mirror a large truck approaching. He was going too fast. A silent alarm went off inside me.
I knew I was about to be hit.
But still, I was calm.
When the truck hit me I was calm. When I pulled off the road and got out of my car I was calm.
The feeling had been right. I should have turned back. Steven was still there and it was him talking to me.
I felt like an idiot.
Years later and years wiser I now know not to ask Steven about my personal life. If he wants to say something to me, he comes out and says it. I rarely speak to him, but I do look to see if he is there, and he is. Sometimes he will smile. Sometimes he will say something. But mostly he is silent. He no longer says, "You already know". I now know what he means. I do already know. My intuition is strong and the feelings I get tell me what I need to know. Anytime I have a question about my own life I just ask myself. I always get an answer. And if I am honest with myself, I get the truth. And half the time it is not what I want to hear.
And Steven stands back and watches with a smile on his face.
In the beginning I would continue asking Steven questions until I got an answer. I would not accept his usual responses - "You already know", "Why do you want to know that?", "I can't answer that" and silence. In all the confusion of hearing voices and seeing and feeling spirit, I was certain that I was special. Steven even told me I was special. He said it often. So, if I am special, then I can use my gifts and my connection with spirit to get answers for me, right? It only made sense. Oh how powerful I felt! Finally I could know what the future held and I could show everyone who ever made me feel small and insignificant that I was big, and significant.......and special.
I didn't tell anyone about what was happening to me in those first months. I felt a little crazy but I felt amazing! Excited to be experiencing something so spectacular; something no one around me had ever experienced. I felt like a super hero with amazing powers. How conceited I began to get and the more my spiritual abilities proved that I was special, the more conceited I got and the more I demanded answers for myself, answers that would eventually lead me down a path of confusion and ultimately spiritual humility.
My first question was, "Should I quite teaching and move to a new location and start a business as a psychic/medium?" No answer. Silence.
I asked it a gain.
Same response. Nothing.
By the fourth time I finally got what I wanted - yes. Happy, I set forth on a mission to do just that. I quit my job, which I loved and really enjoyed, and moved to North Texas, intent on setting up a business and becoming like top psychic/mediums Sylvia Browne and John Edward. I was going to show the world that I was special!
I had savings from my recent divorce - $20,000 and some change. I thought it would be more than enough to get my business going. I rented a house, bought new furniture and lived as if I were already a successful businesswoman. I even developed a website to help promote my new self which included a new name - Dayna.
Oh, you didn't know Dayna wasn't my real name? Well, it is my name, but it is not my legal name. From the moment I met Steven he always referred to me as Dayna. I argued with him about it for months, but he was stubborn and refused to call me anything else. Finally, one day I was watching a news cast. A female reporter who was blonde and blue eyed and about my same age was reporting. Below her picture was her name. Dayna. At that moment I knew that was my name - my spiritual name - and the name I would use in my new life.
Six months after moving and starting my business, things weren't going as I expected. Though I was slowly making progress with my business, it was much slower than I anticipated. Definitely not enough to live off of. When I questioned Steven, I still got no response, but by that time I had replaced his response with whatever I wanted to hear. Not a good idea.
A year passed and I was still not doing as good as I wanted and it seemed as if I was stagnating. My conversations with Steven had increased to the point that I was spending much of my free time talking with him. It was only later that I realized that the person I was talking to was not Steven, it was me, or rather my ego. Somewhere along the way I had confused my own voice with Steven's!
At that time I didn't know that it is not uncommon for a person with my abilities to get confused between their own voice, the voice of their guide and the voices of others in spirit. See, I am what is called a "mental medium" which just means that most of the information I get from spirit comes to me in the form of mental images and information. The best way to describe it is the info comes like I am watching a movie with sounds, color, feeling - everything. That doesn't mean that all the information I get comes in this way, but about 90-95% of it does. So when Steven first began talking to me he had to teach me how to distinguish my thoughts from his. He did this by always sending thoughts from my right side and by encouraging me to meditate. In meditation, his words are much clearer and many times his actual voice comes through rather than just his thoughts.
I had unintentionally mistaken my own thoughts for Steven's. Over all, this is not a bad thing because, as Steven has often said, he is me and I am him. Whenever I gave readings and worked with spirit the confusion never got in the way. Steven always steps back and allows other in spirit to come forward and since I am completely focused on another person, my own thoughts rarely interfere. However, the confusion started whenever I sought answers for myself.
One of the first rules I learned from others with similar abilities to my own is that you never, ever use your gift for your own gain. Aww! Had I only known that from the start, what misery I would have saved myself! Unfortunately, by the time I learned that important rule, I had long fallen into the trap and was on a downward spiral.
My sister saw it. She called me on it, too. She said, "Why don't you stop talking to Steven and rejoin the real world". Her words cut me deep. I broke down and cried right then and there. I told her that Steven was my only real friend and that she would never understand. She apologized but her words had already sunk in.
I thought about what she said over the next few weeks. I looked closely at just how often I was talking to Steven. I was shocked. I talked to him all the time. When I was alone. When I was with other people. When I was sleeping. The only time I didn't talk to Steven was when I was giving a reading. And when I found myself in a conversation with him I mentally noted how the words from Steven felt. 99% of the time they felt like me, not like Steven.
So I told Steven to step back. I told him I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. I sobbed out the words, "Please step back, Steven", and repeated it over and over as I choked on my tears. The sorrow came from knowing my world would go silent. And it did.
A year and a half after leaving my job and moving to North Texas to become a professional psychic/medium all my plans and aspirations of a new me were crumbling. The new me was drowning in my own self pity.
I decided to leave North Texas. I was going to take what little savings I had left and move back to where I came from and start over. This time I would be "normal" and all ideas of being "special" were thrown out the window.
The morning that I left, I was packing my car with all that was left of my belongings. I had sold everything I couldn't fit in my car the week before. When I closed the trunk I had a nagging feeling. "Don't go," it said. I ignored it. I had to go. I had lost. I was a failure and there was no where else for me to go. Again I felt the feeling. "Don't go". This feeling sank to the pit of my stomach and stayed there. It was the "bad news" feeling. I hate that feeling!
As I drove down I-35 toward Fort Worth the feeling stayed with me. Each exit called to me to exit. I passed them up. I heard Steven say, "Turn around". I ignored him. Besides, how did I know that was really him talking to me? I was very angry at myself for falling victim to the trap of ego and so I ignored anything that seemed to come from the Steven zone in my mind.
I passed up another exit and thought, "That was the last one." And then, suddenly, the feeling was gone, as if it had never been there. All that was left was calm.
I silently celebrated as I neared a busy part of the highway. Then I noticed there were many cars stopped and I slowed down. As I slowed I glanced up and saw in my rear view mirror a large truck approaching. He was going too fast. A silent alarm went off inside me.
I knew I was about to be hit.
But still, I was calm.
When the truck hit me I was calm. When I pulled off the road and got out of my car I was calm.
The feeling had been right. I should have turned back. Steven was still there and it was him talking to me.
I felt like an idiot.
Years later and years wiser I now know not to ask Steven about my personal life. If he wants to say something to me, he comes out and says it. I rarely speak to him, but I do look to see if he is there, and he is. Sometimes he will smile. Sometimes he will say something. But mostly he is silent. He no longer says, "You already know". I now know what he means. I do already know. My intuition is strong and the feelings I get tell me what I need to know. Anytime I have a question about my own life I just ask myself. I always get an answer. And if I am honest with myself, I get the truth. And half the time it is not what I want to hear.
And Steven stands back and watches with a smile on his face.
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