A spirit sent away
I had a day to myself today so I did my best to enjoy it even though it is 100+ degrees outside. I decided to head to the beauty salon and get some much needed highlights since I have been neglecting myself since having Orren six months ago.
As I was sitting in the chair chatting with my hair stylist, Shae, I felt the familiar presence of spirit to my right. He was saying, "Mom" and pointing to Shae. I listened, curious. It has been a long time since spirit has approached me in a public setting, three years or so at least, so I wanted to see what he wanted. He pointed at her again and said, "Mom" and then he pointed to his own eyes and I got a sense that he had cataracts when he passed, either that or they were a very strange, cloudy blue. He had a strong presence and was quite tall, or at least seemed to be. He stood just in front of me, off to my right side and back just slightly. He seemed intent on me saying something to Shae. I didn't want to.
I spent the remainder of my time at the salon debating whether or not I should say something to Shae. She has no idea that I am a medium. She just knows the "other" me. The me who is a teacher, has two kids and is off for the summer. She has never mentioned anything about missing loved ones or worrying over her mother or family. She is a very happy, upbeat young woman and that is why I like her. If I told her about my other self, what would she think? Would she get uncomfortable? Would I have to sit through the rest of my appointment with her in an odd kind of silence feeling her put up her own energy block to keep me "out"?
I told her grandfather that I would not ask her about him unless she brought up the subject. She had been talking about vampires - some HBO serious, True Blood - and had mentioned they had witches in it, so I thought it may not be too long before the topic came up that might lead into me talking about what I can do. But the topic never came up. So I sat and talked pleasantly with her until the end of my appointment. By the time I was walking out the door, he grandfather had left. I knew he wanted to get a message to his daughter, Shae's mother, but it would have to be another time. I didn't get to apologize to him, either, which made me feel a bit bad, but then I forget that those in spirit don't care about such things. They know instantly our feelings with or without us knowing then ourselves.
When I got home the thought crossed my mind that I should be better at starting conversations about myself and my gifts. Part of me feels that not being open about myself holds me back because it shows that I have some doubt about what others think of me. I shouldn't be so concerned about what others think, but I am. I always have been. I hate rejection - who doesn't? And the worst kind of rejection comes when you put your heart and soul on the line and someone steps on it like an old cigarette butt. Too many times that has happened and I guess that is the major reason why I didn't even try to broach the subject of my gifts with Shae - fear of failure.
Whenever I don't do something I feel I should, it follows me throughout the day. By the time I got home I was feeling pretty down on myself. There was a time when I had no fear and would just tell people what I got no matter what the reaction. I felt bulletproof then, as if their words or rejection or insult would just bounce right off me. I wish I could be like that again.
What it all comes down to is belief. Belief in ones self, belief in one's spiritual gifts and belief in one's ability to use those gifts. A person could have the most amazing spiritual gifts but be nothing for the lack of their belief. I still believe, but I am not free of doubt. Doubt has riddled my armor with weak spots now and too many sharp words and rude remarks have penetrated to reach my heart. The wounds heal, but they leave a memory like a scar and it reminds me all the time that words can hurt. So I am careful now, which is good to a degree, but I have lost my brashness and bravery and I miss them. I felt so alive when I had them.
As I was sitting in the chair chatting with my hair stylist, Shae, I felt the familiar presence of spirit to my right. He was saying, "Mom" and pointing to Shae. I listened, curious. It has been a long time since spirit has approached me in a public setting, three years or so at least, so I wanted to see what he wanted. He pointed at her again and said, "Mom" and then he pointed to his own eyes and I got a sense that he had cataracts when he passed, either that or they were a very strange, cloudy blue. He had a strong presence and was quite tall, or at least seemed to be. He stood just in front of me, off to my right side and back just slightly. He seemed intent on me saying something to Shae. I didn't want to.
I spent the remainder of my time at the salon debating whether or not I should say something to Shae. She has no idea that I am a medium. She just knows the "other" me. The me who is a teacher, has two kids and is off for the summer. She has never mentioned anything about missing loved ones or worrying over her mother or family. She is a very happy, upbeat young woman and that is why I like her. If I told her about my other self, what would she think? Would she get uncomfortable? Would I have to sit through the rest of my appointment with her in an odd kind of silence feeling her put up her own energy block to keep me "out"?
I told her grandfather that I would not ask her about him unless she brought up the subject. She had been talking about vampires - some HBO serious, True Blood - and had mentioned they had witches in it, so I thought it may not be too long before the topic came up that might lead into me talking about what I can do. But the topic never came up. So I sat and talked pleasantly with her until the end of my appointment. By the time I was walking out the door, he grandfather had left. I knew he wanted to get a message to his daughter, Shae's mother, but it would have to be another time. I didn't get to apologize to him, either, which made me feel a bit bad, but then I forget that those in spirit don't care about such things. They know instantly our feelings with or without us knowing then ourselves.
When I got home the thought crossed my mind that I should be better at starting conversations about myself and my gifts. Part of me feels that not being open about myself holds me back because it shows that I have some doubt about what others think of me. I shouldn't be so concerned about what others think, but I am. I always have been. I hate rejection - who doesn't? And the worst kind of rejection comes when you put your heart and soul on the line and someone steps on it like an old cigarette butt. Too many times that has happened and I guess that is the major reason why I didn't even try to broach the subject of my gifts with Shae - fear of failure.
Whenever I don't do something I feel I should, it follows me throughout the day. By the time I got home I was feeling pretty down on myself. There was a time when I had no fear and would just tell people what I got no matter what the reaction. I felt bulletproof then, as if their words or rejection or insult would just bounce right off me. I wish I could be like that again.
What it all comes down to is belief. Belief in ones self, belief in one's spiritual gifts and belief in one's ability to use those gifts. A person could have the most amazing spiritual gifts but be nothing for the lack of their belief. I still believe, but I am not free of doubt. Doubt has riddled my armor with weak spots now and too many sharp words and rude remarks have penetrated to reach my heart. The wounds heal, but they leave a memory like a scar and it reminds me all the time that words can hurt. So I am careful now, which is good to a degree, but I have lost my brashness and bravery and I miss them. I felt so alive when I had them.
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