Lessons

I've been more tired than usual lately. Not extremely so, but a noticeable difference in energy level, enough that I have cut back on running and weight lifting to give my body more recovery time. For example, in the first three weeks of October I ran an average of 20 miles per week, this week I ran only 12. I upped the weight I have been lifting, though, but not by much as I have a home gym and am limited by my equipment. When I have gone running I have had little motivation and felt low on energy. I have also been dreading my weight training but doing it anyway. Pushing through it, as is my tendency.

The things is, my body is telling me to slow down in other ways. For example, I have had more aches and pains than normal and feel a bit "off" health-wise. I recognize my lack of motivation/dread as tell-tale signs of over training. Plus, when the body hurts, you listen! What is hurting? My knees feel achy on and off but nothing major. The part of my upper back that was hurt way back in 2004 when I was rear-ended by a semi-truck has been bothering me again, too. I am more irritable and more tired when I wake in the morning, as well, but then I have never been a morning person. And this morning I have slight congestion and stuffy nose, probably the result of running and walking in this cold/windy weather we've been having here in Texas.

When over-training is to blame the only thing one can do it cut back and get adequate rest. I tend to overdo it when I exercise anyway. It is always one more mile or one more exercise or just a bit more weight. For example, the walk I took yesterday ended up much faster than it should because I ran several times. Also, when I went to a fun run with my daughter on Friday I opted to run the course twice and as fast as I could go rather than just run-walk and take it easy. I did end up with a 9:15 min/mile pace but not before I suffered a double ear ache from the cold wind.

One day this week I had a very odd feeling in my uterus reminiscent of my pregnant days. It was so out of the ordinary that I worried I might have an infection or something. I had cramps and spotting and everything but the feeling in my insides was really wrong. I have had few infections in my life so it is hard to say what it was, plus it should not be anything bacterial because I have been on antibiotics for most of the month.

My guess is that I had a ruptured ovarian cyst, a particularly bad one considering I had spotting afterward. A cyst is likely because in my early years, prior to birth control, I had cysts on my ovaries. Plus, it runs in my family. Since having my last child I have had major ovulation pain pretty much every month indicating I probably have one or more cysts. The best cure is birth control, which I have avoided since 2011 because it gives me scary migraines.

You may wonder why I am on antibiotics. Well, I have occasional issues with acne-like, crusty spots that appear on my chin near my mouth but won't go away (not a cold sore, I don't get those). The first time was last year in August and I had to go on antibiotics to clear it up. It was the same this time but I caught it earlier. I forget what it is called but my dermatologist has told me to 1. lower my stress (ha!) and 2. get back on birth control. So interesting about the birth control being if I do have cysts it may be time to explore my options there again. Sigh.

My suspicion is that all my issues are related in some way to me needing to rest. I am hesitant to say the source is spiritual because I am really done with trying to link everything to gamma ray bursts, solar flares, Kundalini and ascension. It just is what it is. I am eating healthy, exercising (albeit too much) and trying to stay as stress-free as I can. I admit I am not meditating as much as I should (it's been over a week now) but since I tend to fall asleep when I do these days I just don't see the point.

Orren in his new glasses with his sister.

The main area I seem unable to control is my stress response. Family life is stressful in general and my husband has been out of town a lot this month (again right now) which causes my stress levels to skyrocket. I think since becoming a parent my stress levels have stayed high compared to pre-baby. As my children get older I am more of a shuttle mom than anything, shuttling them to and from appointments as needed with my 3-yr-old in tow. This month I have taken my daughter to the dentist/orthodontist twice, once to fill her first cavity. This week my son got a referral from the school for his eyes and so Friday I took him to the eye doctor only to discover he inherited my horrible eyesight and has an astigmatism in both eyes. He now has a new pair of glasses that resemble coke bottles, just like I had when I was his age. :(

I am also the one who buys all the birthday presents, carves the Halloween pumpkin, and prepares the kids costumes for Halloween. This along with all my other duties has made for a busy week/month. Why everyone in my family has birthdays in Sept/Oct, IDK but I hate this time of year because of all the birthday parties (kids and adults).

Then I am also the "financial manager" of the family income and well, the stress never stops when you have a husband who is a spender. The weight of credit card debt sits on my shoulders pretty much constantly. I am so use to it that I barely notice it now but it is always there. One of the reasons I have been looking for work is to help with that burden but it seems that is not to be. I'm not very motivated to work again anyway and I know it would only add to my stress. However, Christmas is likely to go completely on cards this year which will be a first EVER. I HATE credit cards. If it were all up to me my family would have no credit card debt. But it isn't now, is it?

Then there are the other little things that seem to pile up on top of one another. My daughter (9 years old) is super stubborn and will fight me every step of the way. She throws tantrums like a toddler and is nasty to my oldest son all the time. Yesterday she was stuck in her room for being nasty to her brother. I told her she could get out if she cleaned it. She refused, kept coming out, throwing tantrums (like full-on stuck to the floor in agony), etc. I think she was in her room for a couple of hours wailing that she would die if she had to stay in there any longer. lol She finally cleaned it but I thought she would be like I was when I was a child and go into complete stand-off mode. She didn't (thankfully). I did not want to ground her to her room all week, but I would have because I am more stubborn than she is! HA! This is just one example of her stubborn antics. She does the same with brushing her teeth and hair and with any chore she is asked to do. It is constant resistance and she isn't even a teenager yet! My mom likes to tell me "what goes around comes around" when it comes to my daughter. She also says, "Now you see what I went through with you." Yeah, yeah.

The Career Blues

I mentioned that I have been looking for work to help with paying off our my husband's credit card debt. I've not been very fortunate, though. Maybe I am looking in the wrong places or doing it for the wrong reasons? Probably, but I would feel less stressed if we could start paying it down faster. I have even decided that it is worth it for me to get a job back in education. But there just aren't very many opportunities right now and the few places I've applied have not responded or have immediately rejected me. I'm sure there is a lesson in there somewhere. Perhaps "Don't settle" or "Money isn't everything." The same lessons as always.

I am still plugging away at my NASM course. It is not difficult so far but it is slow going. I could go at twice the speed but since I opted for the cohort online class I am stuck going at the pace of the group. I can do the week's assignments in a couple of days. I have had a lot of schooling in my 41 years and the course if likely tailored to the 20-something's.

But, like with all my career considerations, I am losing interest, growing bored, etc. It is just part of my personality blueprint I think to lose interest fast. I am happiest when I multitask in a job, when I have more than one job description to fulfill. I also need to be able to create on it rather than just being the effect of it. Probably I should have more than one job, but the key is they be jobs I LIKE, not ones I want to run or hide from. lol I still have interest in personal training but I need to expand on it more. That is why I tried to get the job at the Vitamin Shoppe.

One of the issues I face with finding the right job is that I want to stay home with my son and that limits my options. However, I have decided it may be time to let that go in favor of the goal I have of paying down our debt and having more options. If I work in education then we have plenty of extra money, money enough to pay down our debt and afford good childcare. As in the past, it seems like I need to be open to anything including going back to counseling. My resistance in the past has only caused problems. I need to not resist. That usually opens doors for me, doors I otherwise would never have known were there.

Other Considerations

I'm still put off by most of what I read online about ascension. For example, this morning someone posted a prayer and when I read it I completely rejected it. The wording, the way it was presented, everything screamed, "FAKE" and "PROJECTION" to me. When did the spiritual path become the "popular" thing to do? When did it turn into a social game full of wanna-be's and blind-ass sheep? I can't bear to read another channeling, another preachy blog post telling me what my guides and the "ascended masters" want me to know. Gag. It really puts me off.

It reminds me of how I reacted to social cliques in school. I am NOT a follower, never have been. I go my own way and if it happens to be with a bunch of others it is okay as long as I know I am going it for my own reasons following my own purpose/path. The minute my path begins to merge with the group of sheep and get muddled I leave. I am not one who will say I am part of some group just because everyone else is or it is "cool" or the "in thing" to do. In fact, I am vehemently against such things. If I discover that I have fallen into going along a path for the wrong reasons, such as being a part of something to feel better about myself or not as alone, then I am quick to slap myself on the wrist (or kick my own ass) and self-correct. When I was young I would often lash out at those in the group I had been wanting to be a part of to make them more wrong and me more right. In reality I was ashamed of myself for allowing myself to get pulled into the group mentality and lose my own identity in the process.

When I first began my spiritual journey I was seemingly alone. No one knew what ascension was (well not many) and my gifts and abilities were a rarity. Now everyone seems to know and everyone claims to have such gifts. For example, my brother added me to a spiritual group (which I promptly left) that was made up of twenty-something's who all claimed to have abilities, gifts, etc and wanted to practice on each other. There were almost 1,000 people in this FB group and it is one of hundreds! One girl was speaking in Light Language and claiming this and that and another was promising readings from some ET. It completely put me off and I warned my brother not to get caught up in it and "travel his own path".

It has occurred to me that this could all be my Ego, that I have a belief that I need to be "special" and once I am not then I reject whatever it was that once made me special. Probably that is it in a nutshell. LOL I do like to be the "best" at what I do. I don't like to be overshadowed by others. I like to be the center of attention, to be the one others come to for advice, to be the one that Knows. When one prides themselves on being the one who Knows, on being "special" in some way and then it is made obvious that they are not the only ones who Know or is "special" then of course there will be problems. I am not one who likes to go silently into the shadows and let others take the spotlight. Ha! I would if it were someone I truly loved, though. I would gladly give up my spotlight for another in that case. I would do that for my children. I would do that for my brother, my mom.

When I no longer am "special" for some unique talent then I dismiss it and then another something special comes to light. This is likely a pattern from a lesson I am not learning. Maybe the lesson is that I stop desiring to be special, that being myself is enough and that I am so confident in my own special-ness that I do not need others to validate me. That in fact I turn it around and encourage others to see within themselves their own special-ness. Hmmmm. That is what a good teacher does, right?

I know someone who does this already. Who is happy to remain in the shadows while helping others find their own inner-uniqueness. Happy to never be acknowledged and to stay "ordinary". In the past I would have begrudged him this but now, now I see it as his true gift to the world. He was my teacher and I didn't recognize it because I was more focused on the special-ness of our connection and what it meant about ME than I did about the lessons it could teach me.