I Need Sleep
The tiredness started creeping in last weekend. Monday I came home and laid down on my bed, hoping to take a quick nap, but the sounds of my children playing and then crying kept me awake and on edge. Even though my mother-in-law was downstairs taking care of them, I just could not relax knowing they might need me at any moment.
So I tried to muffle the distracting sounds of my children with an audio mediation. It was nice, but my keen mother-sense picked up a cry here and a laugh there. It completely destroyed my attempt to find a little peace and calm.
At night I have been meditating, sometimes focusing on balancing my chakras and other times just trying to "be". One night my husband got into bed and startled me, pulling me away from wherever I had just been. Disappointed, I gave in to my tiredness and fell asleep quite quickly, my dreams lost to me as my alarm startled me awake at 5 am.
Last night I managed to stay at the boundary of sleep and awake for quite some time but my cold interfered. I struggled to breathe in my semi-lucid state, feeling as if I were being strangled only to come back to full awareness gasping for air as my throat seemingly swelled shut. I was left wondering if I had stopped breathing altogether as I felt starved of air and my throat was dry and seemed stuck closed. I eventually fell asleep only to be awakened several times in the night by I don't know what. Each time I was aware that I was talking to one of my guides and felt the heavy lull of sleep calling me back to wherever I had been.
After my last waking I attempted to astral with little success. I would come in and out of a state of lucidity long enough to know I was talking with my guide, get a brief message and slip back into the abyss. One time I saw written seemingly in the air the word "Ego" and the other time I saw in front of me pictures of scenes flashing as if on a movie reel and desperately tried to "catch" one to jump into it. As I failed I remembered being very upset and then losing what little awareness I had as sleep again pulled me in.
I came to the conclusion upon waking that I am too tired to do anything spiritual at this time. I need my sleep. I am so tired, either from being once again sick (this is the fourth time this year!) or from my busy day-to-day routine. Part of that routine includes working out at the gym (heavy weights) four times a week for an hour. Part of me is ready to give that up, but I persist. Yet at the back of my mind is the thought, "Why are you doing this?" And with that thought comes a picture of me going home and meditating or laying down to rest. As much as I long to do this, I stick with my routine almost as if afraid of what would happen if I were to abandon it. Then again I know that I began a journey of physical body transformation as a fill-in to keep me occupied and help relieve the stress of the last year. It has worked but now seems to be inducing stress instead of relieving it. Yet I am still holding onto it.
I have also found myself thinking of this reality differently. It is hard to explain but it is as if I know that this is a temporary state that I am in and that it is ever-changing. If I look hard enough it is as if I can see through to other realities. I am also keenly aware that the human body as just a vessel and with this comes a shift in my emotional attachment to the body and the physical reality in which my body resides. With the physical considerations stripped away there is a calm and a clarity. This has not lasted long, but it has been there long enough to have a profound affect upon me. What is really important? The body? No....which makes me again question my continued focus on my own physical body.
Part of me (my higher self perhaps) seems to be questioning a lot of things in my life right now, specifically asking "why?" when it comes to things I am doing. I also find myself "zoning out" (that's what I call it anyway) more than usual. This feeling of nowhereness keeps me in a state of really not caring and just going with the flow. It is as if a clock is counting down the time until school lets out and summer break begins. Tick-toc, tick-toc....
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