I Will Show You

A strange thing happened today. After a successful and uplifting gym workout, I was feeling a bit light headed so I decided to sit and rest while listening to music in my car. The minute I closed my eyes I felt this huge lump of emotion well up in my chest and I started to cry. The song playing was Hero, by Family of the Year. The part of the song where it says, "So let me go, I don't wanna be your hero" and "Your masquerade, I don't wanna be a part of your parade" seemed to bring forth more emotion. None of it made any sense. I just had all this sorrow and the song seemed to bring it out.

I sucked it up and drove home, thinking of my day and how I had applied for jobs farther away than I had previously. I was so concerned that I would be forced to go back to the negative environment of my current job that I decided that I would apply to jobs far away. Jobs that, if I got them, would mean either an hour or more long commute...or relocation. But I felt this morning that I had to do something. I saw the turtle that the previous day had crossed the road in front of me, dead on the road, as I knew I would find him. A dead turtle can mean "hurry up" and gives a message that the home where one currently lives may not be the best one. So I applied to jobs that I had hesitated to apply for before. I also changed my references. I have a gut feeling my principal is not taking the time to respond to reference requests which could slow down the application process. Oddly, as I approached my driveway, I felt my grandfather's presence. I immediately recognized him and burst into tears. I miss him!

When I got home, my grandfather was gone and I was still holding back emotions that didn't make sense. I felt I was being communicated with, but I didn't hear anything, I just felt huge amounts of sorrow. The song Hero kept playing in my head - "So let me go, I don't wanna be your hero". I let out some tears as I tried to busy myself with cleaning up the kitchen. I hate crying.

When I got in the shower, a thought hit me out of the blue: I don't wanna leave my home! And that was it. I burst into tears like I haven't done in a very long time. My stomach felt like a huge rock - heavy - and so did my heart. I couldn't stop crying. My home. I love my home. I don't wanna leave it. Amidst my tears came quiet questions in my mind: Why? Because I created this place! Then more tears and uncontrollable sorrow would erupt. As I would quiet again I would hear, Why? I realized that I felt guilty. I don't wanna sell Grandaddy's land! (my land was given to me by my mother who got it from her parents) More tears and I realized now why he had visited me.

I cried on and off throughout my shower - so for at least 15 minutes. As I cried I knew Steven was trying to reach me. I heard him sometimes saying, "It will be okay" and "This is a good thing". Other times I had memories of things he had told me the night before. For example, last night he reassured me that I would find a job. I doubted him and he said, "You don't believe me? I will show you". I doubted that also. I instantly knew, he was showing me....now. Another memory I had was of a feeling I have had for a long time. The feeling that I will be happier somewhere else. That I need to move. I have had this feeling for at least 3 years. The memory only brought more tears....BUT finally it was making sense. The combination of the turtle, the feeling to apply for work today, and the resolution that I needed to get away from the negative environment at all costs....it all fit together. At that very moment Steven said, "You are ready". I instantly knew he was right. More tears (yeah I was a mess).

I am calm now. I understand and I recognize that if I get a job offer, it will likely be far from my current home. I also recognized that it will be a good thing.

The song makes sense, too. I have been looked upon by my family as a stable person, someone to rely upon and who has their "shit in order" as they would say. Also, my mom relies on me for support - I know this. So, "Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero" completely applies. I also feel like I have been wearing a mask for others - putting up a facade and pretending that things are okay. I have been going along with what my family wants and even with people at work. I am tired of being two people; of pretending. So the other verse, "Your masquerade, I don't want to be a part of your parade" makes sense to me as well.

I am pretty sure the song was a trigger and that this was planned. I don't cry this hard often and I usually know why I am crying. I really had no idea this time. Nice move, Steven.


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