Knock, Knock - Time to make a decision
I hear it again. The insistent knocking at the back of my mind. Not a real knock, mind you, but more of a persistent feeling that there is something that needs to be done and, although I have put it off time and time again, it stays there, lingering as if saying "You know you have to pay attention to me sometime! I'm not going away!"
In this case the decision is simple: I need to move and I need to move soon for the welfare of my family and myself. I have known this for a few years now. Three years to be exact. But I am stubborn and a little scared.
When I started building the house I am living in now, I was living in Austin and recovering from a very rough few years. I had many failures. So many so that I had hit bottom, or near to the bottom that I had ever been. I still remember sitting on the hill top just yards from my childhood home, tears streaming down my face as I smoked yet another nasty cigarette and felt numb, lost and purposeless. I had told my guide, Steven, to step back just a year earlier, for fear that I had become dependent on him, so the familiar comfort was dim, almost nonexistent. Yet, once again, in a time of intense grief and almost unbearable hopelessness, I heard him. He sent me a vision of two feet with shoes on them and I heard him say, "Just keep walking." I saw the feet in my vision taking slow steps, one in front of the other, and I knew he meant that I needed to just keep going, just keep living, even if my heart wasn't in it. I needed to go through the motions of life. I needed to make positive choices even if I didn't feel they would matter. I felt his encouragement. "You can do it. Just keep walking."
So I did. I didn't know what positive choices I should make, I just picked the first one. The one that was bothering the most. I stopped smoking. I went cold turkey and, though I knew I would pick up another cigarette later on in life, it was easy. Then I enrolled in college. My heart wasn't in it but it was a positive step. I chose psychology, which had been my passion years before when I graduated with my B.S. in Education. I also got a part-time job tutoring students. All this I did within weeks of Steven's message to keep walking.
I went along from there in a haze. I didn't feel much better. I just felt numb. Steven was quiet. The spirit world was quiet. I kept busy and kept moving forward, one step at a time. Eventually my mood brightened. Slowly but surely I was coming out of the hopelessness and pain and seeing once again that my past losses could be overcome; replaced with new goals, hopes and dreams.
I am still very grateful to Steven for his advice and guidance at that time in my life. It made all the difference.
Now, six years later, I am finding myself feeling numb again. Not all the time, but it is creeping in and starting to cast a shadow on my life. The nagging feeling that I need to really reevaluate my life is back and I don't know if I can push it away again.
The first time the feeling came I was jumping head first in Scientology auditing. I found it thrilling and eye opening. Wow! What a ride and what an amazing feeling it left me with. When I had this feeling I felt positive that I wanted to keep going in the direction of self-understanding and knowledge that Scientology gave me.
It was around this time that I experienced, for the first time and hopefully not the last, a feeling that I thought could never be experienced - peace. It was total joy and calm as well as a feeling that nothing else was needed except what I had. I experienced this on the way home from an auditing session. I was in the car and the moment I felt the feeling I became terrified of losing it. It stayed for a while, though, through most of the trip home. A good 20 more minutes. It did slowly fade as I got closer to home, but I will forever remember the feeling. Oh to only have that feeling stay! How life would be so much better if I could keep that feeling!
I knew that to have this feeling return that I would need to make some major changes to my life. The first being to move my family and be closer to the people who helped make that feeling possible. The move meant major changes and left me with many concerns. Specifically for my mother who, without me living close by, might not do so well.
So I pushed the idea of moving out of my mind. I rationalized it with many things. 1. My mom needed me. 2. I had a great job nearby that paid really well and for the first time in a long time I actually liked my job. 3. I wanted my children to go to the public schools in the area and not the public schools in the Austin area (ick!). 4. the land the house was on was family land and my family would hate me if I sold it and the house to someone outside the family.
For the time being, the rationalizations worked and we stayed put. Then the idea came up again. Again it was after I had auditing that I was once again confronted by knowing that a move would be necessary for me to expand spiritually. Oh but the fear that came with it! How can I make such a choice!?
So I said to myself and my husband who desperately wants to move but stays for me, "Give it a few more years." This time I wanted to wait until we had our next child so that I knew we would be covered by insurance.
Now with child #2 here and growing strong, I feel the topic of moving knocking at the back of my mind. Again, I know it would be for the best. We will be happier. I will be happier. But yet I hesitate again. Something doesn't feel right. Is it the fear? I think it might be. I fear I will fail.
In this case the decision is simple: I need to move and I need to move soon for the welfare of my family and myself. I have known this for a few years now. Three years to be exact. But I am stubborn and a little scared.
When I started building the house I am living in now, I was living in Austin and recovering from a very rough few years. I had many failures. So many so that I had hit bottom, or near to the bottom that I had ever been. I still remember sitting on the hill top just yards from my childhood home, tears streaming down my face as I smoked yet another nasty cigarette and felt numb, lost and purposeless. I had told my guide, Steven, to step back just a year earlier, for fear that I had become dependent on him, so the familiar comfort was dim, almost nonexistent. Yet, once again, in a time of intense grief and almost unbearable hopelessness, I heard him. He sent me a vision of two feet with shoes on them and I heard him say, "Just keep walking." I saw the feet in my vision taking slow steps, one in front of the other, and I knew he meant that I needed to just keep going, just keep living, even if my heart wasn't in it. I needed to go through the motions of life. I needed to make positive choices even if I didn't feel they would matter. I felt his encouragement. "You can do it. Just keep walking."
So I did. I didn't know what positive choices I should make, I just picked the first one. The one that was bothering the most. I stopped smoking. I went cold turkey and, though I knew I would pick up another cigarette later on in life, it was easy. Then I enrolled in college. My heart wasn't in it but it was a positive step. I chose psychology, which had been my passion years before when I graduated with my B.S. in Education. I also got a part-time job tutoring students. All this I did within weeks of Steven's message to keep walking.
I went along from there in a haze. I didn't feel much better. I just felt numb. Steven was quiet. The spirit world was quiet. I kept busy and kept moving forward, one step at a time. Eventually my mood brightened. Slowly but surely I was coming out of the hopelessness and pain and seeing once again that my past losses could be overcome; replaced with new goals, hopes and dreams.
I am still very grateful to Steven for his advice and guidance at that time in my life. It made all the difference.
Now, six years later, I am finding myself feeling numb again. Not all the time, but it is creeping in and starting to cast a shadow on my life. The nagging feeling that I need to really reevaluate my life is back and I don't know if I can push it away again.
The first time the feeling came I was jumping head first in Scientology auditing. I found it thrilling and eye opening. Wow! What a ride and what an amazing feeling it left me with. When I had this feeling I felt positive that I wanted to keep going in the direction of self-understanding and knowledge that Scientology gave me.
It was around this time that I experienced, for the first time and hopefully not the last, a feeling that I thought could never be experienced - peace. It was total joy and calm as well as a feeling that nothing else was needed except what I had. I experienced this on the way home from an auditing session. I was in the car and the moment I felt the feeling I became terrified of losing it. It stayed for a while, though, through most of the trip home. A good 20 more minutes. It did slowly fade as I got closer to home, but I will forever remember the feeling. Oh to only have that feeling stay! How life would be so much better if I could keep that feeling!
I knew that to have this feeling return that I would need to make some major changes to my life. The first being to move my family and be closer to the people who helped make that feeling possible. The move meant major changes and left me with many concerns. Specifically for my mother who, without me living close by, might not do so well.
So I pushed the idea of moving out of my mind. I rationalized it with many things. 1. My mom needed me. 2. I had a great job nearby that paid really well and for the first time in a long time I actually liked my job. 3. I wanted my children to go to the public schools in the area and not the public schools in the Austin area (ick!). 4. the land the house was on was family land and my family would hate me if I sold it and the house to someone outside the family.
For the time being, the rationalizations worked and we stayed put. Then the idea came up again. Again it was after I had auditing that I was once again confronted by knowing that a move would be necessary for me to expand spiritually. Oh but the fear that came with it! How can I make such a choice!?
So I said to myself and my husband who desperately wants to move but stays for me, "Give it a few more years." This time I wanted to wait until we had our next child so that I knew we would be covered by insurance.
Now with child #2 here and growing strong, I feel the topic of moving knocking at the back of my mind. Again, I know it would be for the best. We will be happier. I will be happier. But yet I hesitate again. Something doesn't feel right. Is it the fear? I think it might be. I fear I will fail.
Comments