Close Call and Realizations

Yesterday was a scary day for me. I woke up from a dreamless sleep with a bad feeling. I tried to remember my dreams and only remembered one part. In that short bit I remember there was news that I had protein in my urine. That was it but the bad feeling went with it. I immediately remember my first pregnancy when I was told I had pre-eclampsia and assumed the bad feeling belonged to that memory.

When I got to work all was normal. Then I went to the bathroom and found blood on the toilet paper. The feeling that came over me was absolute dread. I even stopped breathing. Then I started shaking. This could not be happening.

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and so I tried to relax. But I couldn't. I ended up calling my doctor's nurse and leaving a message. I needed reassurance.

As I waited I noticed that I was cramping slightly. This scared me even more. I knew that bleeding with cramping equals miscarriage. Miscarriage. I shuddered and started shaking again.

In my mind I was going over what I felt to be true and have felt to be true since I first found out I was pregnant. I have always been told by my guides "You will have two" children. In my mind I had only conceived on two children ever. When I considered a third it felt empty, devoid, as if it were a possibility but not a reality. In that came a feeling that this child is not meant to be. With that came a deep seated worry that I was miscarrying. The worry was overpowering.

I kept cramping slightly and tried to immerse myself in reading a book all the time waiting for the call from the nurse. Thank goodness it came quickly. She told me it was normal and that I should keep an eye on it and call if there was more bleeding or painful cramping. It was nice to hear that things were "normal" and it helped me calm down a bit. But I still had mild cramping on and off and it was hard to get through the day.

I skipped my normal after work workout and went home. I made dinner and took it easy but whenever I sat down the cramps reminded me of their presence. I eventually laid down on the sofa on my side. I could feel a burning sensation in my lower back. It scared me even more because it was the same sensation I got during labor. I pushed the worry out of my mind as best I could but I eventually broke down into tears. Thank goodness my husband came home shortly after. He let me rest and told me to stop worrying. Later he gave me an assist, a type of healing. I then went to bed early because when I laid down for a period of time the cramping and back ache went away.

Dirt Path to an Old City/Store

When I woke up this morning all was okay. No cramping and no bleeding. I felt rested and normal. My dreams we odd, though.

In my dream I was traveling in a truck with my family on a dirt path. I could see it for miles ahead as we drove over the ruts and ridges. The path was familiar to me (it was in another dream I had a long time ago). The path suddenly dead-ended and we ended up going up towards another road and path. I followed my husband but not without argument. I wanted to go down and search for the other road.  I recall that everything was surrounded by dirt and colored light brown. I sat upon a huge tree stump that was light brown and remarked at how huge the tree must have been before it was cut down.

To my relief, following my husband took us to a paved road and the entrance to a city. The road took us under an overpass that was made of beautifully intricate metal beams. As we drove under it I saw Easter eggs dangling from the beams and pulled them down to give them to my children. They were squishy plastic or rubber and my kids were thrilled to have them. I recall plucking a pink one for my daughter and a green one for my son.

When we got into the city were actually entered an old store of some sort. It was empty of people and the kids went straight to playing with what seemed to be antiques. The owner approached and he was dressed in an old style dress that seemed to be from the 1700s or so, but am not sure. I was rushing after the children and the owner reminded them to not touch anything or break it. I grabbed them each by a hand and kept them close. As we walked through the store I saw other shoppers, also dressed in older clothing. The coloring of the scene even seemed old and faded like an old photograph. I felt out of place but my husband was enjoying himself. We continued through the store and did more, but it is lost to me now. I woke suddenly worried about my baby.

Anger

After I was satisfied that all was okay with my baby, I began to again fixate on the negative issues surrounding my sister and her free-loading on my family and the government. I keep wanting to send her an email and tell her exactly how I feel about her and her actions over the last few years. But I never write an email and I never tell her because in the end I know that it won't do me or her any good. She does not believe she has done anything wrong and feels completely entitled to the hand-outs she has been receiving. And if I tell her what I feel it could mean making a mess of my relationship with her and I do value that relationship. Additionally, what if the situation were switched and she were the one with a good life and I had come upon hard times? Would I want her to cuss me out? Would it help? No.

As I was mulling over the situation in my head I song came on that reminded me that my path and her path are different. She must live with her decisions and I with mine. I knew that she had more bad coming at her than good; that her decisions, beliefs, thoughts and actions were manifesting exactly what she was getting. More was coming. For one, for three years she has wanted the following: Not to work, to have a baby, to get free medical care, to learn "the system", to do as little work as possible, and to never be alone. These were stated to me at one time or the other from her. She has gotten exactly what she asked for. She isn't having to work much, she is getting to take advantage of the system, she is getting a baby and the free medical care that comes with it, and she is getting to never be alone (the baby makes certain of that). As long as she wants this, she will get it. She should be pleased. She has, though, trapped herself with her thoughts and desires. She is completely unaware of it, too.

So I must let her make her mess and learn from it.

In reflecting upon what I know and feel to be true, I realized quite a bit about my situation. I know I will be continuing to reap life's rewards and bounty. I should not feel guilty for having what I have. I am truly blessed. I have a loving, hard working and spiritual husband. He is such a good man. I have two beautiful, healthy, intelligent children and one on the way. I have a job that pays well and is (so far) easy. I am healthy and have stayed in good shape. I look years younger than most women my age. I have spiritual gifts and abilities. I have support when I need it, and even when I don't. I have more money than I need and more stuff than necessary, but I like that stuff and enjoy it. There is nothing I want for in life. What a truly wonderful place to be.

Focus on what you have, NOT what you don't have. That is exactly what I intend to do.