Internal Conflict

Lately I have been having dreams of moving. The night before last it was a dream involving me being resistant to moving. I recall seeing a map and discussing locations to move to with my husband. In the end we split up and I remember being very upset with him and also devastated. In last night's dream I again saw a map but this time we both chose to move and we were house hunting. We found a house up North near water and I was happy with what we found. I remember seeing the house and the back yard and thinking it was perfect. In both dreams the discussion about where to move involved places up North where there was snow. In the first one I remember Colorado was discussed and I was against it because it snowed. In the second I saw Montana on the map (I use to live there) but the place we ended up was not in Montana as it was near an ocean or large lake. I also recall compromising with my husband on being in the Southern part of the state.

2:15

When I woke from both the dreams I was upset or concerned. This morning upon waking I immediately began thinking about the previous day. I heard in my mind "2:15" and knew it was significant. I thought about how this new coworker wanted to have a meeting and I assumed that was what the time was all about. Turns out that she did come to talk, but only to me. She is one of those who once they start to talk it is hard to get away from them. When she came in I immediately wished she would leave, but it was 2pm and I remembered the 2:15 message, so I let her stay, listening as best I could.

She started the conversation about the problems at work of which I am very aware. She is has a very strong personality and is somewhat pushy. Just her energy level seems to suck the life out of me. I have a strong personality, too, but I have learned to control that part of myself since I get so much backlash from it. I sat and listened, remarking as best I could, but became irritated because she kept on talking about the issues and she would not listen to me when I told her that her issues were the same ones we had had for two years already.

I think she recognized my irritation. I remember feeling flushed and emotional at one point. My face likely turned red and that was when she stopped talking about it and changed the subject. It embarrasses me when I can't control my emotions and I wish I had been a better listener. In retrospect I would have put on my counseling hat. I have to remember to do that!

Strangely, the conversation shifted at exactly 2:15pm. It was at that time that I recall thinking, "She might have something to say that I need to listen to". Then she said it. She mentioned portfolios and job searches. I caught it instantly and asked her about them. Is a portfolio really that important? Did she always use one? What did she put in it? Did she think that was why I had not been getting counseling jobs?

She was very informative and helpful and my mood picked up quickly. I could also tell that she was pleased that she could help me. It is often what people want, you know - just to help or be of assistance. Her information helped me a great deal. I plan to create a portfolio this weekend.

Emotional Crash

When it was time to go home, I thank my coworker for her help. She then apologized for upsetting me. I told her not to worry about it but as soon as she was out of sight, I broke down in tears. It was like the floodgates opened just from her apology. I felt humiliated for letting my emotions show. I felt like a bad listener as well, which was something I had been trained on as a counselor. When this realization hit me, I felt like a failure for still not having a counseling job. Loss after loss after loss hit me like a ton of bricks. Then the little destructive voice started talking to me from inside: "I'm never going to get a counseling job", "Making a portfolio is pointless". The most difficult part of all of this was that I believed it; it felt true. I knew that I could keep trying, make a portfolio, work my butt off to try and get a counseling job before next year, but that the truth was that I was not meant to. There was some reason why I needed to stay where I was. I needed to get to next April. Why, I am not sure, but the truth of it hit me hard. It is not fair. It is not what I want. It sucks.

So the emotion was hard to turn off.

Fighting

I managed to turn off the tears and get home to my daughter. My husband was out with our son so it was a mother-daughter night. We went for a walk, went out for pizza and then went shopping for a birthday present for a party the next day. I managed to keep the emotion contained and even stopped thinking about everything. But I felt empty; going through the motions.

I managed to go to bed without another episode but when I woke, from the dream about moving, I could not control it. The tears came again. The knowing that I needed to stay where I was hit me hard. I don't want to stay at my current job! The dream was about moving, starting over, new beginnings. I didn't want to start over! Yet the dream was a good dream. It's message was clear: Good things are coming. Just be patient.

But I didn't/don't want to wait. I told my guide, who was close, that I didn't want to move. I didn't want to be a stay-at-home mom. I didn't want to start over at square one. All I could think about were the negatives. The positives would come in throughout, but I pushed them away. It was not what I wanted. I wanted change now.

It was like a fight from within. The ego vs the higher self. I cursed my higher self. Who was she to decide to have another baby? Who was she to decide to stay at this cursed job? Who was she to make me wait and deal with a toxic environment? To feel numb emotionally and go through life like a zombie? Who the hell is she to do that to me!!?

The answers were there, of course, but I didn't want to hear them. I rejected them. I hated them.

Apparently I/she had agreed to this path. It was prearranged. My dislike of it and resistance to it mattered not much. It only made it that much more unbearable and difficult. There was a thought at the back of my mind I pushed away: Why not just accept and enjoy what you have now? Why not stop fighting and just be?

My answer? Because I don't want what I am getting! I want to be a counselor, to use my Master's degree and be someone. I don't want to be a useless stay-at-home mom (sorry to those this insults). In my mind, to not have a career, to not make money on my own equals failure. To not look for work but wait until April, put in my resignation and not work equals failure. FAILURE. What more of an ego crush does one get?

But I am tired. I long for spiritual connection again. I want to feel like I did that one time long ago after an auditing session when I "woke up" to myself for five minutes or so. It was the most amazing experience I have ever had while in this body and fully aware. It was clarity, calm and peace. It was what I should feel like all.the.time. I want that again. I want it to be always. Yet it has only happened once. Once.

How do I get that again? How?

The answer I already knew, but it came anyway: auditing. It is freedom. I am not stupid as to be blind to that. It frees me from my mind; from my ego. It restores balance. It will bring me that feeling all the time if only I would take the time to do it.

So this path, the one I am resisting is to help me find what I want, what I need. I know that, but I am also angry about what I have to give up (or so it seems) in the process. My guide told me that I would have to do things that were uncomfortable for me; that would go against my normal response. I did not think it would be simply to stop fighting and go with the flow; to let the path reveal itself. Sigh.

Message

Ultimately, in this short period after waking, I did not accept defeat, but I did give up temporarily. My way of giving up is to always tell my guides, "I want to go Home". They are use to hearing this. I am use to be denied it.

Instead of denial I was told this, "Okay, well I will tell you this: you will meet two people who will help you". This stopped me as I was interested. Two people? Who? Guides? "Not guides. People".

For some reason this eased my mind. Who these people are and how I will meet them doesn't matter to me. If they will help, I welcome them.

I am starting to think that I need to stop fighting. The alternative is not that bad, just different.