Beginning Again


Today I've been unsteady but making progress on my new (old) path. I am scheduled to begin my processing next weekend. I am partnered with a friend who is well versed in metaphysical and the many strange and bizarre experiences I've had which is a positive. There is fear following me despite my knowing that this is the right thing for me to do. Fear that is unfounded which means I most likely will encounter exactly that which I do not wish to confront - which is the whole point!

Currently my main goal is to eradicate the ever increasing panic attacks that I've been having since June. They are becoming a nuisance and interrupting my life. Yesterday I had one just driving to a hair appointment! There seems to be no rhyme or reason to them. I can't pinpoint the triggers and so I am constantly on the lookout for even the slightest change in my body suggestive of panic. It sucks and has proven beyond my ability to handle. Every one of them feels like a near-death experience to me. The fear is so intensely strong and the physical symptoms so convincing that I feel the next one will put me in a situation I cannot extricate myself from. It has gotten so bad now that I find myself asking my husband to drive me places and even when he does drive I am still struggling to maintain composure using all the tricks I can think of to avoid becoming a frantic, hyperventilating mess.

On top of the anxiety I am having episodes in my sleep that are bothering me. Last night I awoke in tears from a dream where my dog, Trooper, was snuggled up next to me in bed. I was stroking his fur and could smell his familiar doggy smell. I was so happy to have him close that it triggered lucidity and I fell into heaving sobs that woke me up. Then the rest of the night I was crying on and off in my dreams, though they did not wake me nor did the tears follow me into wakefulness. The crying was connected to a closeness with a female friend. I seemed to just need a shoulder to cry on but I have no idea what I was so upset about. Similarly, I was discussing COPD with someone and this caused me to cry as well. When I awoke I felt so exhausted and depressed that living the day ahead felt nearly unbearable to me.

The main feeling I have lately is that the last three years was a very long, vividly real dream and now I have to readjust myself to a waking reality I have not been a part of for a very long time. It's so weird. When I go on my FB page and old blogs I see familiar faces and read familiar stories and comments, yet I feel little if no connection. I'm no longer interested in gamma ray bursts, solar flares, the latest ascension energies, the current phase of the moon or astrological influences - all of it I just skip over as if I am looking for something else. Yet I find nothing of interest there anymore. I don't even want to open FB. It all feels wrong.

It really feels like I am beginning again.







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