Random Dreams and Things

I've been keeping busy this week and my interest in blogging and spiritual subjects is becoming less and less with each passing day. My goal to do something different each day that challenges me is working. I got the kids involved and have been out and about every day this week with them. We've visited a community park, my mom's house, and a donut factory this week. My kids also stayed the night at my mom's last night which gave me and my husband a night to ourselves. We went to Flix Brewhouse for dinner and a movie. We saw the newest Planet of the Apes movie. I give it 3 stars for a slow first half. Plus, I just can't seem to sympathize with computer-generated ape people.

On top of the busy schedule with my kids, I've been pushing myself to exercise outside more. My mom's place is great for outdoor activities, swimming especially, but running out there is nice as well. I have miles and miles of hilly, country roads to run. :) It has been extremely hot here in Texas this week with most days hitting 100 degrees or more. Two mornings ago I went on a quick run at around 7:45am and it was already in the 80s! Today I opted for a 7am run and did much better almost matching my pace from 2014. Then I went on a second run at 10 am. It was 90 degrees already! I was grateful for the laps I swam after. Swimming = the perfect Texas exercise. lol

Basically I am trying to push myself out of panic/anxiety mode for good. The more outdoor activity I do, the better and more grounded I feel. It is also helping me prove to myself that my heart rate can skyrocket into the 170s-180s and I won't die. In fact, I barely notice it when I'm running. Today's average heart rate during my first run was 166bpm and I felt GREAT. I could have run another few miles but my husband was running with me and had to get to a meeting. Since I had to go to my mom's and retrieve my kids I just finished my run there despite the heat. If I can run in 90 degree Texas heat up and down hills and not pass out or end up with heat exhaustion then a stupid panic attack ain't nothin'.

I had an idea while swimming laps yesterday. I thought about signing up to do a mini-triathlon (sprint triathlon). I know, crazy, but I am really enjoying running again and am especially enjoying the swimming. I swam laps for 40 minutes yesterday and could have done more. A little research showed that there is a series here in the Austin area starting in May and going through the summer. The next event is in two weeks and in the city I live in but I'm not going to sign up. I have no idea if I will like the bike ride I have planned for tomorrow. If I don't then a triathlon is out. My only memories of bike riding are from childhood. Mostly I recall the longer trips I took left me with a sore butt and a sunburn.

Random Dreams and Things

I made the mistake of asking my guidance to show me what I am working on in dreamtime because I have been having dream amnesia for a while now. Curiosity killed the cat, you know. The first night I dreamed of getting caught up in an avalanche that turned into water. I became completely submerged and couldn't breathe but didn't panic. When I woke up I was like, "Oh great. More dealing with repressed emotions."

The night after the avalanche dream I was sobbing on and off throughout the night. During the crying fits I was fully aware of why I was crying but when I woke the next morning my memory was a complete blank. I made sure not to ask to be shown what it was.

Then there was a dream about being stranded at a half-way house. I had been hitchhiking on the highway and asked to be dropped there. While I was there a girl was asking me lots of questions and it dawned on me that I should not be there. I wasn't down on my luck nor did I need a helping hand to get on my path. I had everything I needed already, I just needed to buy a car and go on my way. I felt a bit ashamed that I had been hitchhiking my way from place to place when I could have just bought my own car. When I woke up it was clear to me that I had been getting a "talking to".

Not surprisingly I have been getting "ideas" to return to work. Why when I can stay home and play? Maybe to buy me a new car.....speaking of....(gotta go off on a tangent)...

My car has been having fits. The engine light keeps coming on and each time I take it in there is more to fix. This last time $1400 of fixin'. I asked them if the things that needed replacing would likely leave me stranded on the road. They said no so I didn't get anything fixed. My husband wants to keep both cars. He thinks it is better to pay off a car and maintain it than to buy a new one. I tend to want a new one and not deal with the repairs. My car is nice and all but not if I keep having to get it fixed. Screw that. But if I want a new car I have to...yep...get a job. Ah! No fair!

So, back to dreams, messages, etc.

Another dream.....I was in my childhood bedroom with two ladies. Both were talking to me about meditation and showed me a meditation with a picture of Buddha on it and then showed me how to meditate (like I don't know how). Then they were wearing scuba gear and dove down into the floor of my bedroom. When they came up I remarked that I would be too afraid to dive under the house because it would be too dark and there would be no escape.

The dream symbolism is obvious. For one there is a message to meditate. I haven't been doing that much. This week I've fallen asleep during my mid-afternoon attempts probably because I'm exhausting myself with all my activities. lol The other message was that I need to delve deep into repressed memories/emotions connected to my childhood. Most likely my childhood from 10yrs to 14yrs, which was the time I was in that particular bedroom, but it could be all of childhood.

I also continue to have dreams where I am packing a lunch. This theme has been going on for months now. Lunch = building up one's energy. Since I've been "resting" and being encouraged to "enjoy myself" it makes sense. I am not complaining. It has been nice.

Songs/Music

As usual, music is utilized by my guidance as a means to get messages to me. Here are a couple of song that I've been waking up hearing

This one I heard the morning of the night I had all the crying sessions:

This one I woke up hearing this morning. Considering how good a mood I was in, I'm not surprised.

Missing the Connection

The other thing that has been happening is an increase in thoughts about my counterpart along with a general sadness. This probably goes hand-in-hand with the tears and submersion into my subconscious but honestly I have not tried to figure it out. There is no figuring any of it out, at least that is what I have concluded. My general rule of thumb right now is - don't think - and it's working. But what to do when I'm sitting there not thinking and then random thoughts/feelings just appear? Usually these random thoughts come along with some sync, too. Syncs everywhere all of a sudden.

The lesson that I am starting to recognize here is that increasing my participation in life, while it is a great way to amuse myself and keep me occupied, is only a band aid. It's a great way to distract myself but I can't ignore the other stuff when it comes up. It is obvious that some part of me is very sad, lonely and missing the connection. I don't wallow in the feelings, though, I observe and move on. I just thought at some point the thoughts/feelings would go away.