The Joke's on Me

I had a win regarding my panic/anxiety yesterday. My kids were going stir crazy inside the house and so I took them to get hair cuts. It wasn't a long drive, maybe 5 minutes, and I drove the other car which I think helped. I had absolutely no anxiety or concern about the drive, no strange light headed feeling or heart palpitations. My husband called and joined us for lunch which was nice but my younger two were getting really antsy so I tried to get him to take them home so me and my daughter could continue the shopping in peace. She had a meltdown over that, though, because for some reason she wanted her brothers with us. She tends to fixate on things and struggles to let stuff go when plans change. Her tantrum was too much and my husband bailed on me so I had to take all three to the next shop. It went okay but my younger two were chasing each other all over the store. It upset my daughter more than me and the store clerk was smirking the whole time. He was really cool about it all. Afterward I opted to go home because my youngest was showing signs of tiredness and any parent knows taking a tired child anywhere is a bad idea. My daughter had another meltdown but then calmed instantly and said, "We can go to Target tomorrow then?" When I said yes she finally let it go and got happy again. For her, this was a BIG positive and I was proud of her. I was also proud of myself for keeping it all together and not having anything suggestive of panic arise.

I felt really good physically and mentally after that and opted to do a home workout. All went well until the end when I was cooling down. I began to feel light headed and had to take it easy. When I went downstairs I became super nauseous and so rested on the sofa for a while. My heart rate was pretty high but not pounding so I figured I just got overheated or something. Then my stomach started cramping and I had to run to the toilet and I was dizzy the whole time. It took a good 30 minutes to recover and feel like myself again.

I had no idea what might have caused this sudden strange after-workout reaction. I did not have low blood sugar, so it wasn't that. I didn't get overheated and I kept my heart rate in a good but high range. It wasn't until this morning that I realized what may have been the culprit. I had bought some multivitamins at the shop and taken one prior to working out because I hadn't taken one for the day. I suspect taking it right before I worked out was a big no-no. In fact, I should have known better because I have had issues with taking vitamins on an empty stomach to the point of puking them up. I am relieved to have an answer that makes sense. I'm tired of not knowing the reasons for all the screwy physical and mental things in my life lately!

Messages Seeping In

Like I mentioned previously, I have been ignoring my guidance, asking them to stay quiet and leave me alone so I can think for myself and get some clarity. They have been respecting my wishes for the most part but with the mental block I have created they have returned to previous ways of getting their messages through to me. This means I receive messages as thoughts that just "pop" into my head out of the blue. I know because I am ignoring the conversations that go on in the background of my mind that these instances are just my conscious mind stumbling onto pieces of what was discussed. And this "stumbling" is not by chance. My guidance knows how to insert what I need to know into my thoughts to where I notice it.

Last night my husband asked me to watch a movie with him he had watched the night before. He told me I would love it so I agreed. The movie was Memento and it was okay, I would give it 4/5 stars, maybe 3.5. At some point in the movie a thought came to me. It was as if I thought it but I knew it was a suggestion by my guidance, something they wanted me to consider. The thought was, "I've been sitting on the sidelines all my life. I won't make a difference in this world if I continue to do that."

With my recognition that this was more than a passing consideration of mine, the rest poured in and I was unable to stop it. I really didn't care to, though, because the feelings I was having supported it.

I had memories of all the times I felt the emotions and experiences of entire groups of people on Earth. The intense desire to do something about it was strong but so was the feeling of helplessness that went with realizing I was only one person and there was no way I could change everything all by myself. Yet in that instance I was feeling motivated to act, to get off the sidelines and start participating. I understood that even the smallest act of love toward another was better than nothing. It all adds up in the end. Plus, I was thinking of how I would view this lifetime when it was over. I am my own judge and jury and what I saw thus far was disappointing. I have not met my own expectations for this lifetime. I have hidden from my responsibilities. I have taken the low path to avoid uncomfortable and difficult situations. It was being asked of me to evaluate my life thus far. How do I want to be remembered?

For a good hour or so I felt empowered. I allowed the messages through, though still only via feeling. If the mental version - the actual words - got through, I shut it down. I knew there was a female guide assisting me, though. What I recall now is a summary of what was felt. I can choose my focus. I can focus on me - my losses and failures in life and my desire to go Home - or I can focus on making a difference by showing love and compassion for everyone I meet.

I remembered a previous message which came as a recognition that I have been overly self-oriented in this lifetime when my intent was to be other-oriented. This I judged harshly but I was reminded that everyone on Earth struggled with this and it was understood that I would as well. I was also reminded that first we must work intensely on the self so that we can get out of our own way. Much of this lifetime has been devoted to that and so it is normal and expected to be overly self-absorbed.

Part of the empowered feeling was an urge to jump in head first (as is my tendency) and become an activist in every way I could. Volunteering, speaking out against the injustices of the world, and becoming more involved in groups and organizations that do so. I was advised to take baby steps and reminded that change doesn't have to come in large, in-your-face actions to be effective. I don't have to become an activist or lead an entire movement. I don't have to be well-known and loud to make a difference in this world. It was suggested that my goal be to make every encounter with another person count. To leave them feeling heard, acknowledged and loved. That's it.

And I was reminded of some of the posts from this blog that I re-read not long ago. It was reiterated over and over again, "Your heart is opening" and that I needed to feel and stop hiding from my feelings, numbing myself to life. I can't make any significant impact if I block my heart. Half of the work is in accepting another's feelings, taking them in as my own and reflecting them back to that person so they can see them.

In considering all of the above now I am not enthusiastic. lol I am basically being told to be "open" in every sense of the word. To think of doing that makes me want to run the other way but then I am told I am already doing it, I am just freaking out over it. HA! That is an understatement!

Even in writing this I want to run but I can't. What's done is done. I have to learn to live with this new me whether I want to or not. But I feel exposed and vulnerable practically all the time, like the world suddenly got HUGE and I shrunk to the size of an ant. I have to be open to that feeling? That seems impossible to me. It is one thing to feel that way with just one person, but to the whole damn world? You've got to be kidding me! I couldn't even handle the one person! Still can't!

The worst part is feeling I have no control over any of this. Where in the past I could block it all, numb myself, now that doesn't work and only sends me into full-on panic mode. No-feeling = panic attack. The joke's on me and I'm not laughing.