The Practice of Surrender

I had a long, busy and productive weekend. It began with a trip to the water park with my entire family and my BIL and his two sons. Usually I would not go to the water park for various reasons, all of them BS and based upon my mother's valence (tendencies/patterns) and not my own. Consistent with my goal to push myself outside of my comfort zone, the water park was a fun experience and one I should not have been denying myself just because of the false beliefs and self-limitation picked up from my mom growing up.

I did not get to go on the bike ride I had planned this weekend. The bicycles my husband had for me to try out were just too big and the one that would be more my size was a 20 minute drive away and we could just not fit it into our schedule. At some point I will give it a try but it is likely too small for me at 48cm. I need one that is around 52cm. A neighbor and avid bike rider suggested I get a hybrid bike rather than a road bike. He also suggested I take a master swimming course at the Y. I'm not going to rush into anything at this point because my focus is still on other things, but my goal is to first get my own bike and then take one or more swimming lessons this Fall. I may also explore mountain biking because of the many trails in my area.

My focus this weekend was on my course which I completed yesterday. Yay! I had some amazing wins, some surprising. Yesterday I spent almost 5 hours on the course. There was a particular drill that incited some interesting energy and feelings in me. The drill would seem stupid to most people upon first inspection. The purpose is to not rely on words to get your intention across. Words are meaningless and we place too much importance on them, becoming dependent upon them when, as spiritual Beings, intent is all that matters.

In this particular drill you do not communicate with a person but with an object. The object we used was a glass ashtray but you can use any small object. I had to communicate with the object, verbalizing commands and placing an intention on it to do something. Since objects cannot actually do anything, I was the one moving the object the whole time which is why many find the drill silly. The part that was most challenging was when I used commands that were different from intent. When I was able to do this without issue, seamlessly and without thinking about the words coming out of my mouth, I had an amazing joyful energy rise up from within my center. I felt like a giddy child! This happened at least two times during the drill. In the end I successfully removed my attachment to words and their meaning. Intent is really all that matters.

Now that I've completed this course I may do another. I haven't decided yet. In considering my current goal to push myself outside my comfort zone, doing another course would achieve this. The course I would do next involves working with a partner again and requires selfless action on both our parts because we must take on the roles of teacher and student interchangeably. What one gains so does the other. This course would take a considerable amount of time to complete, likely up to 6 months because my schedule is so limited. Once I start I have to finish because it is not just me that would suffer as a result.

Dreams and Experiences

My sleep has been deep and uninterrupted the last few nights. Usually I wake several times in a night but lately I've slept six or more hours straight before waking up. I felt more rested when I wake as a result and I only recall the dreams I have after waking up and returning to sleep.

This morning I had memory of energy in my lower chakras but cannot recall any dreams or any of the specifics. However, my dreams suggest I am working through my issues related to the strong addictive quality of my past Kundalini experiences. For example, I recall having a conversation with myself where I was listening to a woman (who was me) telling me she was an "addict" and concerned that she would lose herself to it again if she were to get involved in a relationship with me. I reassured her that she was strong enough to resist the draw of the drug and encouraged her to be open to new experiences. I also told her I had confidence in her ability to move past the addiction into "mastery".

Then there was a long, in-depth dream where I witnessed a massive playground (being more carefree) being turned into a water park (emotional fulfillment) where the water was no more than 2 feet deep. I got on slides (loss of control) with other children (taking time to be carefree/child-like) but instead of speeding up as I got close to the bottom (gaining control) I would slow down and come to a stop at the end of the slide.

In yet another dream I was hovering over a group of islands (need a rest/vacation) and being told the history of "Colombia". How early on the inhabitants had been all but wiped out by invading peoples. There was discussion about religion and control via religion also. I saw the islands covered in high-rises and the energy felt stagnant and materialistic.

There were other dreams mixed in. A recurrent theme is seeing and interacting with lots of children. Another theme is shallow, crystal clear water and usually children in the water.

When I woke I was thinking about my counterpart for some reason. Again. I lingered in bed and kept drifting into the in-between where I would have conversations or experiences. What is odd is that I was conscious of a "switch" being turned on and off in my head/brain. It was both tangible and audible. One minute I would be hearing a "static" and then there would an interruption in this static and become quiet. This is when I would experience something, either a sensation or a message not in words. This is when the energy would seem to jump-start something in my head and the static would resume and I would feel an energetic "shock". It is all very strange but likely just a result of my being more aware than usual.

One of the experiences I had was of feeling my heart very distinctly. It felt like a weight was on my chest. What is strange is that this weight was in the form of a house and I could see the house sitting on top of my chest! It was very real feeling and almost alarming because of how heavy the weight of it was on my heart. My thought is that I was being shown a part of my subconscious that is "weighing heavy on my heart". Ha! Just so happens my thoughts were still on my counterpart.

Other Considerations

Mostly I've been trying to come to terms with the feeling that my main life's purpose will never be realized. That purpose being spiritual and physical Union. I think I've resolved it and then it comes back with a fury. I feel like a "failure", like I missed the bus or my "only chance" at success. I am certain it is all some kind of mental circuit playing through yet again but I am tiring of having to deal with it every time it comes around. It seems like I am missing some important piece. I believe if the Truth is not seen "as it is" then the problem will persist. Once it is seen "as is" then it will vanish and no longer be a problem.

I've become quiet adept at just observing all the thoughts/emotions that come up but the problem is that they are still coming up. Everything I do, every experience I have, pales in comparison to the experiences I had of pure bliss, connection and Oneness. So the more of life I live, the more I notice the utter lack that is there. It's so frickin' irritating. The goal seems to be a blending of the two somehow..."how" being the question. I need to insert bliss, connection and Oneness back into life and living. It was there when I was a child, so I know it is possible.

My best guess on how to resolve this issue is to continue on the path I am on - that is taking courses and pushing myself outside my safety zone. The joy I felt rising up within me recently is just a small taste of what can be all.the.time. And it's not dependent upon anyone else, upon the Kundalini, a life partner, something I am doing, etc. It's already within me, I've just blocked it. Unblock the blockages and joy flows freely. Yes participating in life helps, but on its own won't do anything more than exacerbate the gaping hole of internal separateness that is eating away at me.

I understand I need "help" and I am seeking it, surrendering to the path ahead. That is the first step and the hardest I have been told, especially the surrendering part. If I continue on this current path long enough I will successfully blast through the blockages, I have no doubt in this. The "work" is hard, though, and it is so much easier to just go into apathy, waiting for this life to end and distracting myself with tons of "doing". Yet I seem to have inserted some kind of mechanism that kicks my butt from within when I get apathetic. Ha! I can't ignore it if I try.

And "surrender" is not a one-time thing. You have to practice surrender daily. Make it a habit. The destructive patterns/thoughts and doubts will continue by habit. So you have to replace them with a new habit. It is not easy and takes time, patience and sympathy/understanding of self.