Experiment Fail
I Quit
Right now my problem is both falling asleep and going back to sleep when I wake up during the night. This was the way my sleep patterns were before my recent experiment where I stopped drinking coffee and stopped taking Benadryl. I didn't mention that about three days ago I stopped smoking my one cigarette a day. I usually smoked it right before bed. In the past when I have tried to quit I have had horrible insomnia and found that if I just smoked before bed that it helped me get to sleep. So, I am pretty sure my messed up sleep patterns the past few nights are a direct result of quitting. It seems crazy to me that one cigarette a day could cause such a big difference in my sleep, but apparently it is a normal withdrawal symptom.
I Got Sick
Back to last night. I began to feel horribly thirsty and queasy around 7pm. I drank a bunch of water and my nightly tea and then tried to go to bed. I tossed and turned until around midnight when I began to feel ill again. I drank more water but then had to run to the bathroom. I had to make several bathroom runs throughout the night. Turns out I ended up with the intestinal flu again on top of my insomnia! What luck!
I Gave Up
Finally at around 2a.m., exhausted and feeling icky still, I gave in and took a Benadryl. It did the trick and I don't remember anything between 2a.m. and 7:30a.m. Unfortunately, my illness did not go away and the Benadryl made me feel like a walking zombie. I ended up taking cat naps most of the morning and am just now, at 2p.m., feeling "normal" (except for this ick).
I had the intestinal flu this past Spring. It lasted six days. I then gave it to my son, the poor guy, and he had it for six days. It was a miserable experience. It is not so much a sick feeling as just a feeling of malaise. Then, of course, there is the constant diarrhea. The first day is like the stomach flu - tired, headache, throwing up, diarrhea, nausea. Then it is just diarrhea. I don't know if I have the same thing as last time (I hope not). I did not throw up but I did feel nauseous. Both of my kids have had diarrhea for a few days. I am hoping it is just a milder version and that it will not last too long. Hopefully it is not that parasite stomach flu that has been making the news! Sorry if all this is TMI.
I Will Try Again
I plan on trying to sleep without a sleep aid tonight. I will not be going back to smoking one cigarette. Steven and my other guides have been hounding me for months to stop. They are not saying "Quit now" or anything, they just send me little messages via my thoughts and feelings here and there. For example, my daughter found it fun to throw my ash tray over the fence every time she could. I lost two that way. I got the thought that she was doing it to help me quit, though she seems to not even know why she does it. She always gets this blank look when I ask her about it. My husband even said to me, after she had tossed the ash tray so far we couldn't find it, "Maybe she wants you to quit?" I also have been shown my heart chakra a lot and get the feeling that much of my healing was being stalled by that one cigarette.
Urging from Guides
Lately I have been getting messages from my guides (again more like thoughts/ideas just pop into my mind) about things I should consider doing to bring back the joy in my life that I have been missing. Most recently I got the idea to look into mediumship training or retreats. So I Googled to see if there was anyone in my area who taught classes to help developing mediums or maybe had a weekend retreat for development. I found one but upon researching her website and such, felt the class she offered was very much intended for beginners. I then got the thought about going out of state, but have yet looked into classes out of state. I am hesitant about the whole idea mainly because my past experience working with people in the U.S. who claim to be mediums has not been the best.
I have also had ideas about taking courses at the graduate level in transpersonal psychology. I know there are some universities that offer classes but they are all out of state, particularly in California. I am not against it but am still not sure how that would help me right now. So I will revisit that idea when I have completed my LPC coursework.
I had several other ideas, too. One was to open up a chat room via my Facebook page and try and give readings again. Another was to relaunch my website. And yet another was to join a meetup group in my area. Every one of those ideas I found reasons to not do. For one, my husband is not very open to me giving readings, though he will reluctantly allow me to especially if it is mediumship. He does not agree with the psychic aspect (which I can understand). Another issue is my children. I cannot imagine being able to find the time to give a reading via the phone or chat with my kids around unless it happened very late at night. I don't have the energy at that time to give readings. And the group idea just doesn't resonate with me at all. I have not had very good experiences with groups, in any setting. I do well with just a few other people, though.
My guides must be very frustrated with me and how I trap myself into doing exactly the same thing day in and day out. I rarely just go with an idea without over thinking. Just last night I recognized that I trap myself with my thoughts. Yet, I don't know how not to. I just feel so unmotivated. I also feel like a total failure when it comes to my spiritual gifts and abilities.
I am also still worried about returning to work in a few weeks. I had hoped I would have a counseling job, but as the days disappear and I get closer to returning I worry about myself. How will I make it through another year in such a negative place? How will I cope? And here I am, sick again with the same intestinal flu I had from this Spring when my work situation was so negative that it made me ill. Will I be sick as frequently next year? I hope not!
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