Wait
I was initially very disappointed by this revelation from him, to the point that I lost it and ended up crying like a pitiful child. Thankfully, my husband is understanding and just hugged me until I was done letting out all my pent-up emotion. His advice to me, which I have heard before, is to try to find something about the situation that I can take and create upon, so that I will have some wins. He is not at all against me quitting my job, but he will not tell me what to do. It is frustrating as he reminds me of Steven! Sometimes, I just want someone else to tell me what to do. My husband explained that if he told me what to do, it would be too easy for me to blame him later when things went wrong; in other words, it takes the responsibility out of my hands. He said that he would be a poor husband to do that to me.
He is right and I think that is what makes me the most frustrated. I don't like to fail - no one does - but that is how we learn. My husband explained that he would support me no matter what I did and that I should make a decision that would make me happy. In other words, he urges me to take a risk if it would mean my happiness. The problem is, I am so distraught and exhausted from this past year that I cannot even pinpoint what would make me happy. I feel completely and utterly empty inside. Every alternative option I consider in my mind has the same end result, the same feeling.
My husband's other advice was that we go on a road trip together to visit his hometown in New Mexico. We had planned to go this past weekend, but my husband got sick. So, we will try and go this next weekend. I look forward to it because I believe, as does my husband, that putting some physical distance between myself and my problems will help me see the bigger picture and make a decision. I also look forward to spending some much needed one-on-one time with him. It's funny, but a vacation to me is being able to be alone with my husband, sleep as long as I want to in the morning, and just have no responsibilities for a while. It doesn't matter where I am, just as long as I get some down time for a little while. I so often feel like my family would fall into disarray without me there to keep it going. I need to live without that feeling for a while.
So the decision on what to do about my future employment is on hold for now. Maybe time will reveal a solution?
Massive Attack, a List and Picture
I had a very strange dream last night. It kind of had the feel of a past life, but not.
In the dream I was living another life. I was single and I think I was a nurse. I recall being with other nurses and feeling out of place. I didn't feel I was as competent as these other nurses. I had no confidence in myself or my abilities to perform my duties.
I recall going to work and seeing the other women. We were all gathered around a circular reception desk in the center of the room. As we mulled about, the scene shifted somewhat and I became more comfortable. The scene was more of a living area with cushioned seats and common areas. Again, the area was circular in shape.
As I was sitting, a man approached me and I recall looking in his eyes and instantly "knowing" him. Strangely, he was wearing a wig, fake boobs, a dress, makeup and high heels. He looked pretty ridiculous! I knew he was a man, though. He approached me and I felt excited and a little apprehensive. I also recall that when he came around my heart chakra would fill up with so much energy that it felt like it would explode. It was a very good feeling, though, and I wanted to keep feeling it. I remember we spoke, but I don't remember what he said. He always looked into my eyes and the message he gave was that he knew me and would return for me. He stayed in the area but left a few times. Each time I followed him with my eyes. When he came back he sometimes came as a man, other times as a man dressed up as a woman. I remember talking to another woman about him and laughing about him dressing up.
At one point I was in a room (not circular) with my daughter. I was putting on a bikini. It was very skimpy and black and white in color. I recall this man came in while I was getting dressed and I felt awkward, trying to hide myself. He saw me, though, but did not react. When he left, I was wearing the bikini and had put on a lace jacket that went over it. It looked more like lingerie than a bikini, so I took it off and opted for blue jeans.
I left the room and rejoined the rest of the group. By this time it felt like I was on another world (not Earth) with a group of people I knew well, though I have no memory in this life of them. We were socializing most of the time, but at some point I was given this rod-like instrument that detected something (I don't know what) but it was like a dousing rod and I recall that it detected magnet fields. The man who usually dressed up as a woman joined me at this time as I walked with this rod-like instrument around a circular room. I recall that the rod caused what looked like hundreds of tiny bean sprouts to pop up out of a circular part of the cement floor. No one saw it but me and when I tried to show them, the sprouts were gone. The room then shook and the lights went out. Everyone was afraid and there was mention of a magnetic pull from the core of the planet.
The man, at this time, came very close to me and kissed me on the lips. My heart chakra surged and I felt light headed and almost in ecstasy from the energy that filled my heart. I would relive that feeling forever if I could! All I wanted was to stay near this man. I recall that he spoke to me about us staying together and I was pleased to hear it, but especially wanted to keep that feeling.
He sat with me for a while. I recall a huge statue of two horses in bronze next to me. The taller of the two horses spoke. I don't remember what he said but I remember thinking it was odd that a huge, bronze horse was talking to me. I sat and looked at the sky for a while. It was sunset and there was pink streaked across the sky. It was beautiful.
Then, huge semi-trucks began flying across the sky. One tumbled out of the sky and hit the ground, exploding. People began running everywhere. We were being attacked.
I ran to hide in a warehouse. I knew there was a secret, underground area that held something found a long time ago. It was a piece of one of these strange spaceship-trucks. As I heard the attack all around me, I opened the container and tried to crawl inside but I was too big. A woman came to hide with me but one of the machines found us and so we had to leave. We tried to hide in another warehouse container, but saw that the machines were tearing apart all of them. It was like a scene from the movie Tranformers, the trucks had machine arms that could grab and tear. So we joined others who were huddled to the side and noticed quickly that if we did not resist that we would be spared. Those that resisted, died.
As I huddled with the rest of the people, watching the once beautiful world being destroyed by machines, I asked, "What do we do?" I heard the reply: "Wait". The message was that I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't in order to survive and that, eventually, the machines would get what they came for and leave. I remember discussing what they wanted and seeing a computer screen showing oil reserves in the core of the planet. It showed white and yellow areas that indicated the planet was low on oil and so would soon be depleted. When it was depleted the invaders would leave and we could go back to our lives. Someone was explaining all this to me as I saw the computer images before my eyes. I remember hearing "Wait" and feeling impatient for the invaders to leave.
I woke briefly because my husband was again sick and hacking and coughing loudly. As I went back to sleep, the dream was fresh in my mind and I went back to that war zone. I then saw in front of my eyes a distinct list. It was very long, had numbers down the side that numbered past 20 and had names, dates and locations written on it. I cannot remember any of the names, but they were typed in bold. I remember hearing "Wait" and felt the list was one I had seen before and that it had to do with something in the future. I remember an astral trip I once had where I went to another world and a woman had a list of the people who were to die from catastrophic events on Earth. I saw the list only briefly and never saw the names. It looked like the list I had just been shown. In that experience I was told I was not allowed to know who was on the list and the desire to know pushed me out of astral and back into my body.
I then woke up again briefly. I suggested to my husband that he go for a run to clear out his lungs. He paused and then decided to take my advice. I then tried to go back to sleep. When I closed my eyes a picture flashed in front of me. It was very vivid and it was an old photograph of a nice looking couple. They were wearing clothing from the 1800s and the photo was in black and white. The woman had shoulder length dark hair and the man had nicely cropped dark hair. They looked to be in their 30s-40s. I remember focusing on the woman the most but as soon as I tried to look closer, the picture disappeared and I was left to wonder who these people were.
I have really no idea what to make of this dream. I suspect I was receiving healing and talking to my guides about what to do. The symbolism of the dream is lost to me and I am very confused about seeing the list, especially because I have seen this same list more than a couple of times now. It bothers me because I feel the list is connected to negative future events. I don't like getting information about future events. I saw Katrina before she occurred and it left me feeling hollow inside and devastated. Why would I be shown the future when I can't do anything about it? I know this list I am seeing is a list of future events similar to Katrina. I don't like knowing these things were predestined to occur. I also know I am not on the list; that I am safe and my family is safe. That doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't make me feel better to know that I have to pretend to be someone else until the time is right. It sucks and I wonder why we would all agree to be players in this unfair game of life.
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