Wrong Problem
First off, I wanted to thank all of you who have shown your concern and support by sending me emails via Facebook or my Yahoo account. I am so very proud to have you as friends! Your concern and love was very much felt and came at just the right moment to remind me that I am loved. So often I get caught up in myself, in my own emotions and turmoil, that I feel isolated and alone. This feeling can overwhelm anyone and is a trap I often fall into. I am such an introvert, which is not always a bad thing except that I also tend to be a pessimist. However, we introverts can become too introverted and retreat so deeply within ourselves that we lose sight of what is important. When I receive emails of concerns from those of you who truly care about me, it helps me extrovert some and pull out of my internal world. Though my internal world is comforting and can be helpful, it can also drag me down into despair if I stay there too long, inundating me with worrisome thoughts and negativity.
So thank you, again, to those of you who have reached out to me. I really do appreciate the love and support you have given me. Please feel free to leave a comment on or follow my blog, also.
Now to the title of my post: Wrong Problem. Apparently, I have been focusing on the wrong problem. I have been spending this summer worrying and fretting over getting a new job, a counseling job. It has consumed my thoughts and has left me exhausted, depleting my energy and leaving me with an empty feeling. So today, taking the advice of a friend and heeding my own intuition, I retreated to my front porch with pencil and paper in hand to meditate. This decision was not only prompted by concerned friends and family, but also by the quiet voice of Steven, urging me once again to listen.
I usually don't meditate during the day because of all the distractions of life, specifically my children who almost always seem to know when I want a moment of quiet time and intrude with demands, cries, fighting or something else that demands my immediate attention. Today, however, I was able to escape for ten to fifteen minutes. This was long enough to get the message I needed.
The paper and pencil is not typically something I bring with me when I meditate, but I felt urged to take them with me. As I was walking outside with the intent to meditate, Steven began to instruct me on what to do. It was as if he had been waiting patiently for me to be ready, or maybe I just finally got his message to "listen".
This is what Steven told me: "Listen to your body. How does it feel when you consider each of your options?" With this message came the thought that I was to write down what he said, write down my options, and then meditate quietly and briefly upon each option. I immediately knew/heard that it wouldn't matter what choice I made, but this didn't make sense to me - yet.
So I wrote down my two options: 1. Stay at my job/don't quit and 2. Quit.
As I meditated on my options, I felt urged to write down how my body felt and what I experienced and heard.
This is what I wrote down for option 1:
Sounds of bees buzzing. A hummingbird visiting the feeder. A dove cooing. Feeling of warmth on my legs. A slight twinge in my stomach area (second chakra).
This is what I wrote down for option 2:
A soft, cool breeze. Bees buzzing. Hummingbirds fighting over the feeder twice. Twinge in my stomach very noticeable and almost painful.
The twinge in my stomach was the most concerning to me. Was it hunger? No. What was it?
I decided to do some self-healing to work on my stomach area. I use Reiki on myself and chose the symbol to remove negativity. I used the symbol to the left called Sei Hei Ki to restore emotional balance and harmony. I also used my favorite symbols, Cho Ku Ray, to bring energy into myself and focus on the second chakra.
As I was doing self-healing I paid attention to how I felt and the sounds and feelings around me. I felt the cool breeze pick up and heard the bees buzzing. I also felt the twinge in my second chakra get better.
When I opened my eyes a hummingbird came to visit the feeder.
It was a female and she stopped and flew towards me very close, looking at me as if she was trying to decide if I was a source of nectar (I was wearing bright pink). Then she flew away.
Hummingbird reminds us to open our hearts, not dwell on the past, and move forward. She symbolizes love, joy and beauty. Her wings move in the pattern of the infinity symbol, reminding us that we are infinite beings. She brings healing to the heart chakra and invites us to share our love by healing others.
I felt calm and relaxed at that moment and took a deep breath. Then I looked into my second chakra to try and determine the source of the problem. When I did that, I heard Steven say, "Give". I remember feeling and acknowledging that this was my purpose and that my problem was not that I did not know what to do when it came to work, but that I was not doing what I set out to do: Give. Help.
I then remembered the previous night. I had watched a documentary about teachers. Four teachers were interviewed. They expressed their love of teaching, especially the joy they got from the relationships they built with their students. Later, as I prepared for bed, I remembered something my husband often told me about "failed purposes". A failed purpose is a loss that occurs when a person sets out to do something and then fails at it. The most common failed purpose is failing to help. I knew I had that failed purpose. My husband told me that solution to overcoming a failed purpose is to rekindle it. I thought about how I had set out to help and failed so many times that I gave up. I had failed to help. I remembered when I had succeeded and felt better temporarily. I recall thinking that all of my despair may be coming from a failed purpose.
Then Steven said, "What can you do to help?"
With his words, I got a memory of the day before (yesterday). My mother-in-law had told me earlier in the day how she wanted to save up to visit the dentist. She is pretty financially strapped and lives off social security and the money we pay her to watch our kids. I decided to have her watch our kids over the summer even though we didn't need her to just so she could have the income because without it she often got overly stressed. When she was leaving for the day, I told her that we would pay for her dentist visit. It just flew out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about it. She was shocked by my offer and initially declined but when I did not retract the offer she accepted gladly and with relief.
I recall having this thought right before offering to pay for the dentist visit: "Since I am going to be making good money, I might as well do something good with it".
The message from Steven hit home and I began thinking of things I could do with the money I would be making. Not things for me, but things for others. So I wrote down a list of people close to me that I could help and organizations that I could help with the extra money I made. It made me feel better and most of all, I was happy to do it.
I also realized that helping others meant giving of myself, not just of my money. Giving of myself, thinking of others, was extroverting. To extrovert now would pull me out of my introverted state and bring me into balance. Also, I realized that when I first began my career and when I was the happiest in it was when my focus each day was on how I could help and on giving of myself to others.
I had asked Steven last night to show me how to heal myself. Looks like that is exactly what he did.
I feel very humbled by this experience and wanted to share it with you all. No one is perfect. Everyone has pitfalls and shortcomings. One of mine is a tendency to introvert and wallow in self-pity. It is definitely not an attractive trait. I often wonder how those closest to me don't go insane with frustration at how selfish I am! I would much rather be someone who never thought a selfish thought. Apparently that is one of my lessons in life (and likely ALL my lives!).
So thank you, again, to those of you who have reached out to me. I really do appreciate the love and support you have given me. Please feel free to leave a comment on or follow my blog, also.
Now to the title of my post: Wrong Problem. Apparently, I have been focusing on the wrong problem. I have been spending this summer worrying and fretting over getting a new job, a counseling job. It has consumed my thoughts and has left me exhausted, depleting my energy and leaving me with an empty feeling. So today, taking the advice of a friend and heeding my own intuition, I retreated to my front porch with pencil and paper in hand to meditate. This decision was not only prompted by concerned friends and family, but also by the quiet voice of Steven, urging me once again to listen.
I usually don't meditate during the day because of all the distractions of life, specifically my children who almost always seem to know when I want a moment of quiet time and intrude with demands, cries, fighting or something else that demands my immediate attention. Today, however, I was able to escape for ten to fifteen minutes. This was long enough to get the message I needed.
The paper and pencil is not typically something I bring with me when I meditate, but I felt urged to take them with me. As I was walking outside with the intent to meditate, Steven began to instruct me on what to do. It was as if he had been waiting patiently for me to be ready, or maybe I just finally got his message to "listen".
This is what Steven told me: "Listen to your body. How does it feel when you consider each of your options?" With this message came the thought that I was to write down what he said, write down my options, and then meditate quietly and briefly upon each option. I immediately knew/heard that it wouldn't matter what choice I made, but this didn't make sense to me - yet.
So I wrote down my two options: 1. Stay at my job/don't quit and 2. Quit.
As I meditated on my options, I felt urged to write down how my body felt and what I experienced and heard.
This is what I wrote down for option 1:
Sounds of bees buzzing. A hummingbird visiting the feeder. A dove cooing. Feeling of warmth on my legs. A slight twinge in my stomach area (second chakra).
This is what I wrote down for option 2:
A soft, cool breeze. Bees buzzing. Hummingbirds fighting over the feeder twice. Twinge in my stomach very noticeable and almost painful.
The twinge in my stomach was the most concerning to me. Was it hunger? No. What was it?
As I was doing self-healing I paid attention to how I felt and the sounds and feelings around me. I felt the cool breeze pick up and heard the bees buzzing. I also felt the twinge in my second chakra get better.
When I opened my eyes a hummingbird came to visit the feeder.
It was a female and she stopped and flew towards me very close, looking at me as if she was trying to decide if I was a source of nectar (I was wearing bright pink). Then she flew away.
Hummingbird reminds us to open our hearts, not dwell on the past, and move forward. She symbolizes love, joy and beauty. Her wings move in the pattern of the infinity symbol, reminding us that we are infinite beings. She brings healing to the heart chakra and invites us to share our love by healing others. I felt calm and relaxed at that moment and took a deep breath. Then I looked into my second chakra to try and determine the source of the problem. When I did that, I heard Steven say, "Give". I remember feeling and acknowledging that this was my purpose and that my problem was not that I did not know what to do when it came to work, but that I was not doing what I set out to do: Give. Help.
I then remembered the previous night. I had watched a documentary about teachers. Four teachers were interviewed. They expressed their love of teaching, especially the joy they got from the relationships they built with their students. Later, as I prepared for bed, I remembered something my husband often told me about "failed purposes". A failed purpose is a loss that occurs when a person sets out to do something and then fails at it. The most common failed purpose is failing to help. I knew I had that failed purpose. My husband told me that solution to overcoming a failed purpose is to rekindle it. I thought about how I had set out to help and failed so many times that I gave up. I had failed to help. I remembered when I had succeeded and felt better temporarily. I recall thinking that all of my despair may be coming from a failed purpose.
Then Steven said, "What can you do to help?"
With his words, I got a memory of the day before (yesterday). My mother-in-law had told me earlier in the day how she wanted to save up to visit the dentist. She is pretty financially strapped and lives off social security and the money we pay her to watch our kids. I decided to have her watch our kids over the summer even though we didn't need her to just so she could have the income because without it she often got overly stressed. When she was leaving for the day, I told her that we would pay for her dentist visit. It just flew out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about it. She was shocked by my offer and initially declined but when I did not retract the offer she accepted gladly and with relief.
I recall having this thought right before offering to pay for the dentist visit: "Since I am going to be making good money, I might as well do something good with it".
The message from Steven hit home and I began thinking of things I could do with the money I would be making. Not things for me, but things for others. So I wrote down a list of people close to me that I could help and organizations that I could help with the extra money I made. It made me feel better and most of all, I was happy to do it.
I also realized that helping others meant giving of myself, not just of my money. Giving of myself, thinking of others, was extroverting. To extrovert now would pull me out of my introverted state and bring me into balance. Also, I realized that when I first began my career and when I was the happiest in it was when my focus each day was on how I could help and on giving of myself to others.
I had asked Steven last night to show me how to heal myself. Looks like that is exactly what he did.
I feel very humbled by this experience and wanted to share it with you all. No one is perfect. Everyone has pitfalls and shortcomings. One of mine is a tendency to introvert and wallow in self-pity. It is definitely not an attractive trait. I often wonder how those closest to me don't go insane with frustration at how selfish I am! I would much rather be someone who never thought a selfish thought. Apparently that is one of my lessons in life (and likely ALL my lives!).
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