Frustrating Insights
You may be curious why I am even trying binaural beats. Well, I have been trying to astral for a couple of months without success. When I say "trying" I merely mean that I have been mediating before bed and asking my guides to help me astral, not using methods found in books by William Buhlman, Robert Bruce or other authors of astral travel. So far, I have not had any success other than getting very close and then waking up when the familiar sensations of astral hit me. This was my problem with conscious exit when I first began astral traveling and so my solution was to ask my guides to help me and I typically got what I asked for. However, now, years later, when I ask, I do not have help from my guides and usually just have vivid lucid and semi-lucid dreams.
I was told quite matter-of-factly by Steven while in a semi-lucid dream that they (my guides) would be limiting my astral travels. Apparently there is a reason I am not suppose to be going out of body (OOB). I pinpointed one of those reasons quite quickly. I knew that if I were to go OOB as much as I wanted that I would use it to avoid life's problems and lessons. It is a very addictive experience and quite exhilarating! I read recently that astral travel is a gift to help individual's learn more about their life, answer questions about the after life, or "Home", and increase spiritual knowledge and expand consciousness. This is also what I want but apparently astral can become a crutch and be abused. I wonder if abused it in the past? I don't think so, but then again, I was quite isolated and alone and did look forward to my adventures OOB. Yet, I recall that I was being "taught" by my guides when I went OOB, always being led somewhere or given insight after my journeys. I remember specifically learning how to manifest, confront and control my emotions and balance my energy, I also likely learned other lessons I do not presently recall.
When I asked this morning why I wasn't being allowed to go OOB I heard, "You are not ready". I then asked, "Then why did you tell me in one spontaneous astral experience, "Project yourself"? I got the answer as a memory in my mind. I remember that before I was given the message to project myself that I did not meditate. I did not try to do healing or even think about such things. So the messages most likely purpose: to encourage me to start meditating again, to revive my search for spiritual knowledge and lead me back to personal self-healing.
In terms of self-healing, I completely understand the near dire energetic dilemma I have been in. I am totally out of sync and unbalanced. I have been for a long time but this last year has been very destructive. I closed off my emotions and became numb to life. In doing this my lower chakras completely shut down and my upper chakras became partially clogged with my heart chakra opening and closing erratically. This explains why I would go from feeling emotionally numb to emotionally vulnerable. Steven explained that my thoughts have been the most destructive which is why meditation is so important. As long as I avoided mediation, I avoided confronting my life and the thoughts that went along with it. Apparently I have been slowing undoing all the hard work I did in my younger years going through my spiritual awakening.
Strangely, I never would have seen this coming. There was a time not long ago where I felt peace and calm. Where I felt balanced and was pleased with how well I had balanced the spiritual and physical aspects of my life. I wonder now, was I fooling myself? Was I ignoring a call to focus more on the spiritual? If so, then why did I feel compelled to shut down my website and completely stop doing readings?
I just don't understand. But then again, maybe I am not suppose to.
Last night, after seeing another of my classmates celebrate an offer of employment, I felt yet again super jealous of her success and sad at my inability to have that same success. I knew that my initial thought, way back in May, that I was not ready for a counseling position, was more than just a passing thought. I knew again that my time was not yet. There was something that was not quite in place. Perhaps it is me, being imbalanced energetically with thoughts that roller coaster from positive thinking to depressed thinking. Or maybe it is that the one perfect spot for me is not yet available. I can sit and speculate all day without really knowing why. Again, it likely doesn't matter why. I just need to trust that things are happening as they are intended and stop being angry that I am not getting what I want now.
Graduating in a Wedding Dress
That brings me to a dream I had last night. I dreamed that I was heading to my graduation. I traveled along a road to Austin and the sign for the exit was missing. However, I recognized it was missing and stopped. My husband got out and, with spray point, painted the exit number 187 on the sign. I remember yelling at him because he made the "8" funny and I was worried the others would not recognize it as an 8.
We arrived at a large building which was to be where the celebration of my graduation was to be held. Strangely, all of my old high school classmates were the people who were to arrive. I greeted each of them and remember going into a bedroom to get dressed with two of them. One was a guy I use to be in band with but he was a year younger than me. I recall being tired and my eyes being heavy as I prepared. I put on a beautiful white wedding dress and was putting on makeup. I remember talking to one classmate about her missing the exit and then finding her way there but arriving later than she wanted. Amidst all of this, I recall having a "memory" of sitting in church with my mother.
Interpretation
When I looked up some of the symbols, I found that wearing a wedding dress in an inappropriate situation means having a feeling of inferiority or unworthiness. This feels right for this dream.
The number 187 is complex and the full meaning can be found here. In nutshell, the number has to do with manifestation of new beginnings and prosperity and following one's intuition in order to achieve their desires.
Traveling on a road typically symbolizes one's path. Since I took an exit, it symbolizes my desires, specifically the desire that my up and coming graduation will lead to prosperity. The fact that I am concerned about my makeup, wearing a wedding dress and fighting heavy eyelids (sleep) indicates my feelings of unpreparedness and unworthiness.The memory of being in church is likely me asking for guidance.
Counselor in a Fire Drill
Funny enough, the dream that followed this graduation wedding was equally interesting to me. This is the first ever dream that I recall having where I found myself actually in a counseling position.
I was newly hired and being introduced and settled by the previous counselor. I was shown my desk and given various things to put on the walls around my desk, specifically sticky notes that gave me information I would need and a calendar. As I spoke with the ex-counselor, she was telling me of the day-to-day tasks and we kept being interrupted by people and things that needed to be done. One time, when I was finally getting settled into my desk/room, an alarm went off and the ex-counselor told me, "Fire drill!" and I had to once again leave my desk/room and put aside the things I was doing to prepare. I remember feeling irritated at the delay.
I followed her outside where everyone was standing in formation, similar to how a military would stand. They all had their hands behind their backs in the "at-ease" position and I came in last. The boss, a round, jolly man, was there being very friendly to me and motioning me towards the group. No one was concerned that I was last and before I could get in line they dismissed and all went back inside. I stayed by my car and remember sitting down in it (driver's side) and talking to the ex-counselor. The car was silver and not at all like the car I currently drive. It was a sedan and very sleek and nice. The ex-counselor was telling me about a birthday coming up and I was again trying to get all my things organized and ready. I also recall talking about my husband and saw in my mind a scene play out where he was fixing a wooden chair. It was tall like a bar stool and some of the pegs had fallen off. He was repairing one that was not so damaged and refused to repair the other because it was too far gone. Overall, I felt very unprepared but took it all in stride, listening to her and trying to keep everything organized either on paper or in my mind.
Interpretation
A fire drill indicates that there is something I need to pay attention to.
A parked car indicates the need to stop and enjoy life or may mean the need to devote time and energy elsewhere.
People standing in military at-ease may indicate the need for a fresh start or new beginning. This was a difficult symbol to interpret and could mean a need for discipline and control as well.
These strange dreams are likely just a result of my concerns about the future. In a meditative and contemplative moment last night, I was questioning why things were going as they were. I recognized that I needed to be where I was at in life and that I needed to focus on my LPC certificate. The first class of five starts on Monday. I am not overly excited about it but I know that I am a good student and will do well. Yet I wonder, is it really what I want? What ultimately will come of it? What if I never use it?
The answer I got from within was not to think so much about "what if's" and just go where I was being led. I also was told quite bluntly, "You think too much". That just makes me laugh to think about it now, but it is accurate. I think too much about my future, that is for sure.
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