Running in Circles
As I ran around this circular track I recall seeing the man watching me and feeling his eyes on me. I knew he was interested in me but I kept running. At one point, though, the people on the track got fewer and fewer to the point that all that was left was the employees of this track. Turns out, the employees were the group of young people who were gawking and laughing at me. I stopped running and noticed my blanket was not on me. I found it folded on the outer bookshelf. The man who had been watching me approached me. I felt his energy before he spoke. It had a strong, sexual nature. I was very flattered that he was interested in me that way, but I knew he was young. I remember that we spoke about age. He told me he was 29. I also remember we spoke about the young people and the way they laughed and snickered at me. He was apologetic. I remember commenting about not caring about them and remembering how I was at their age. Then I recall that I said it had been 20 years since I was their age. In the dream I suddenly realized how old I was and got very sad by the thought that I was not young anymore. The man didn't think I was old, though. He continued to show interest in me. I got very sad at the thought of being old and looked at the man. He was very good looking and I remember thinking how, if I were not married and if I were younger that I would be open to dating him. At this moment, as if thinking about my husband summoned him, my husband came in and I joked around with him about the blanket, throwing it over my head and telling him how the young people were laughing. We laughed about it and the young, good looking man watched us together. I knew he knew that I was married at that point and sensed his disappointment. I, however, was glad that he knew I was married and was relieved. I really had no interest in him but did enjoy and was flattered by his interest in me. As my husband and I talked, I noticed that the books on the inner shelf were all but dust, falling apart as if they were old and forgotten. We left the circular track behind and I remember leaving with my husband and watching the young man follow me with his eyes as I left.
This dream was on my mind as I woke up. I felt old. I felt forgotten like the books on the shelf. I also recognized that my lack of interest in the young man from the dream symbolized my lack of interest in life. In the past, had I met a man like that in my dreams, I would have gladly returned his interest and would have had a surge in my root and heart chakra as a result.
The disinterest in things I use to be interested in has been a common theme in my dreams lately. I often am approached by individuals in my dream who send out sexual energy to me. I turn them down every time. I have absolutely no interest. It is as if I am dead inside and it extends to my dreams. Even now, as I type this and think about what I am missing, I don't care.
Running towards others in a dream indicates that a person is willing to confront situations head-on. Also, running can indicate a need to make a decision. Since I am running in circles, which can indicate repetition, going around in circles in some situation or can indicate completeness, I feel this indicates that I am feeling I am repeating some action and am willing to repeatedly confront this action. I actually think I am recognizing that I have been in my job situation before and have confronted it successfully before. However, this time I am not as young as I once was and am feeling tired of the repetitiveness.
The blanket in this dream likely represents my exhaustion, even though in the dream I feel like I have lots of energy and the blanket gets thrown off. The flip-flops (I hate wearing flip-flops) seem to not hinder my running at all and I believe they represent an uncomfortable or casual situation.
Finally, the library seems significant to me. The books are fine in the beginning and I remember thumbing through the books. In the end, however, they turn to dust and are old and unreadable. A library symbolize knowledge or the thirst for knowledge. In this dream, my disinterest in life (knowledge) is very apparent.
Decision
When I woke up after having this dream I did not want to get out of bed. I felt, and still feel, hopeless about the future. I went to bed feeling this way, even though right before bed I got a call from a person from an interview panel at one of my recent interviews. I did not get that job but this person was a family friend and when he called he told me that I was not hired because of my experience level and that they really struggled over the decision. He told me of an opening and urged me to apply. I applied but as I settled down to sleep, realized that the job was not exactly what I wanted and knew that there were requirements about the job that I did not meet. It left me feeling depressed and I struggled to get to sleep.
Today I have been again considering resigning from my present position. I have again gone over our budget. I have again looked at the pros and cons. I have again despaired over the decision, feeling split on what to do, but knowing that a job offer before this Friday is very unlikely. This is the "going in circles" from the dream. I keep avoiding making a decision, and so keep running, but the more I consider my options, the less I care. The idea of returning to a negative job is eating at me so much so that I feel depleted of energy.
There is a part of me that wants to take the risk of seeing what life will bring me if I quit. I have been in this situation before many times. I quit every time. Every time I took the risk it led to more worry and upset over money and finances. Every time I ended up going back to work because I had to and because the extended amount of free time was not good for me - I became a depressed mess and felt like a failure.This time is different in that I, 1. have a husband and 2. have two children. The income is there, although not enough to sustain our family. In the past, leaving a job that I hated only resulted in me hating life more. I have stayed in my present job six years. Every year I have thought of leaving and have stayed because I reflect on the past and find that leaving the situation does not end the lesson. It continues in another form at my next job. It follows me. I don't know what I am doing wrong to keep this lesson on-going. I wish I knew!
Steven says to me now as if to remind me - "Every time, you had enough".
It reminds me of my knowingness that I will always have enough. Yet, even with this knowingness, I worry and fret over money and finances. I must have had many past lives of destitution and poverty. I can think of a few, actually.
Initially this morning I had resolved to send in my resignation letter as soon as possible - to get it over with. Then, after discussing it with some friends online I thought that I should wait. They made some valid points. All of these points I have previously considered and they are, indeed, valid.
If I stay at my current job, there is a chance that I can transfer to a counseling position when one comes available. This is the easiest route because I keep the income coming in while I wait for a position to come open. The problem is not knowing when the opportunity will come through. How long will I have to endure the negativity? One month? Six months? All year? Having the consistent income is pretty much top of my list when it comes to my goals. I do not want to regress financially. I want to progress! Staying means progress - a raise and potential for a transfer.
To leave my job means uncertainty, too. How long before I get a job offer? We can only go six months or so before I will have to find at least a part-time job. In that time, I could look for work, but would be home with my son all day. This, though it is wonderful to get one-on-one time with my son, is not ideal for me. I need adult interaction. I need a game, I need a challenge and I need to do something I like to do. I must admit, I don't like being home all day with my kids. So shoot me for not loving being home all day with my kids. It is boring to me. This boredom becomes hellish to me to the point that I get horribly depressed and negative.
Staying at my job also makes me depressed and negative.
I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.
The only positive to keeping my job is that it takes away the worry over finances and the constant concern over when I will get a counseling job. To stay means I can look for a job without financial worry.
I hate that I care so much about money! But right now, I have more than enough and it is nice!
So seems that my life is full of this same lesson: Money or freedom? Or is it freedom if I am constantly worried about money? No, that is not freedom. That is torture.
It would be so much easier if there was a profession that I absolutely loved. There isn't one. If I was passionate about something and it didn't bring in much income I wouldn't care so much. That would make all the difference. I have no passion. This is also something I have struggled with all my life. I think in other lives I knew from early in life what I wanted to do career-wise. My ex-husband never had issues with career - he knew what he wanted from an early age. Oh how I envied him that! My current husband also seems to know what he want career-wise and is not concerned about money like me. I envy that as well.
Knowing my career path has not been so easy for me in this life. I only know that I want to help people. How? That seems to be the question that haunts me. I try different ways to help people and I rarely feel fulfilled, and if I do, it is temporary. Even my love of spiritual work has diminished and it doesn't help that my spiritual gifts seem to have waned to near extinction.
So, as the title says, I continue to run in circles.
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